For
the first time, in the whole time I have been a Cinephile; this is the first
film I can sum up in one simple word, and that word would be excessive.
Well, that's not entirely accurate, I would have to add the verbiage,
"horrid disappointment," to truly express my absolute disdain for
this fourth installment that literally personifies the concept of metal
recycling. This film is so bad; I can't fully define it without providing
spoilers. So I am tasked with the arduous task of treading ever so
carefully to describe what a steaming pile of celluloid excrement this is.
However, a few quick lessons I learned in this cinematic tragedy; high-tech
cosmic robot warriors and specially trained military personnel with state of
the art weaponry apparently can't hit their marks even when their targets are
like two feet in front of them. Advanced scientific minds who
successfully decode extraterrestrial technology and then develop a superior
race of Decepticons decide the best name for the groundbreaking material that
makes up the alien life forms up should be called, ready for this, Transformium,
really, Transformium. And finally, Optimus Prime can defeat giant
mechanized monsters twice his size with ease, but has an issue with enemies who
are about the same height and weight. Gone is all of the quick wit and
endearing humor, character charm, originality, and jubilant, childish
fascination of the first two films, replaced by three very long hours of
sub-par performances, a fragmented and insanely nonsensical story, and overtly
gratuitous slow motion sequences of stuff blowing up; buildings, Transformers,
cars, the plot, my expectations, 180 minutes of my life, ect. It is an
exhausting movie, so much so, that by the time the Dino-bots make their debut
you no longer care, and apparently, neither do the actors on screen as there is
little if any reaction to their presence. Not even a "Hey look,
giant prehistoric robots, there’s something you don't see every day."
In fact, the actors' portrayals are so phoned in, you would think the
entire production was funded by AT&T, and that would not be a surprise with
the sheer glut of product placement throughout this venture. So much so, I am surprised the Auto-bots
weren't required to be operated by NASCAR drivers. Of course, it will
make like a gazillion dollars because the mindless masses will ignore any hope
or even facsimile of substance in return of the orgy of CGI vulgarly paraded
across the silver screen. 0 out of 5 Kernels; as much as it pains me to
say as a Fan-boy, please, for the love of Pete, let this franchise finally
reach its own extinction.
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