Just a Quickie Please: The Lego Movie Review

The directing trio of Lord, Miller, and McKay, of both Jump Street reboots, bring us this unique and absolutely entertaining animated feature that is one part stop motion masterpiece, one part thoroughly satisfying and engaging satire and parody, and one part multi-million dollar toy commercial mixed with a well-intentioned moral about the balance between individuality and cooperation.   I didn't really see the anti-capitalism angle that others observed so readily, rather, by the end, I garnered a more familial tale of self-expression, repentance, and finding one's self-worth.    It would seem ridiculously hypocritical to me that a massive and internationally renown corporate brand like Lego would create a feature "dissing" big business and the free market system.    The cast is delightful and their chemistry unmistakable.  Pratt is the every man's hero that we all can relate to and cheer for.  Freeman pulls off a perfect Shatneresque tongue and cheek performance.  And Ferrell, who I personally believe is one of the most overrated, annoying, and untalented comedians of his time, delivers a top flight portrayal as the villain who seeks order and universality above all else.  However, it is Arnett's egotistically insecure Dark Night incarnation and Liam's over the top gestapo style cop that utterly own every scene they are present in and inevitably steal the show.  The animation is incredible, effectively utilizing the infamous building block theme to the max and the story, though unavoidably predictable, is fluid and completely enjoyable.  This is a film that both kids and their parental units will immediately fall in love with.  4 out of 5 Kernels: artsy, funny, action packed, chaotic, and well written and acted, this movie has every piece fit perfectly to build one original and amazing cinematic construction.  

Just a Quickie Please: Homefront Review

Sylvester Stallone puts on his writing cap for this 2013 action/revenge yarn directed by the fairly unknown Gary Fleder and starring the Italian Stallion's best blockbuster bud, Jason Statham, and hilariously miscast James Franco as the backwoods baddie.  Franco actually provides one of the most stereotypical and dreary performances of his illustrious career.  Wynona Ryder also gets some limited screen time as the silver screen stoner's thieving, washed out girlfriend that is obviously a huge acting stretch for her.  The story is predictable and limited but delivers on Statham's signature brand of “bad assery” with a failed attempt at adding a romantic twist and familial back-story.  In the end, Rocky just tried too hard with too little to work with.  Of all the things he is known for, delicately yet effectively weaving an intricate tapestry of complex, intermingling storylines is definitely not one of his strong suits.  I know shocker, right.   But for what it is worth, if you are in the mood for a satisfying slug fest with plenty o' UFC throw down moves, machismo violence, and classic Expendable like one liners, this is the flick for you.  But would somebody please explain to Hollywood that F bombs do not equate to substantial script filler, I lost count quickly in this cinematic outing.   3 out of 5 Kernels; strictly judging it by a "balls to the wall", Statham smack-down, it is worth the price of rental or download admission.

Just a Quickie Please: The Edge of Tomorrow Review

I will tread very lightly to avoid spoilers which is extremely difficult in reviewing this particular feature.  Director of the Bourne Identity, Doug Liman, tries his hand at the Sci-Fi genre with this over ambitious version of Groundhog Day mixed with aliens made up of electrified bungee cords, geektatsticly militarized mech suits, and completely satisfying doses of Bill Paxton “douchbagginess”.  It is a unique and engaging tale that keeps the "deja vu thing" fresh and fluid avoiding any pitfalls of tenaciousness and predictability.  Cruise's comeback continues and this forte seems to fit him, his character is both genuine and convincing.   The supporting staff is, however, is just so/so, playing off cruise well enough but possessing so little depth and development they never really make that much-needed connection with the audience.  The special effects are incredible, amplifying the story rather than overshadowing it.   But the film fails on two levels, the poor character evolution being only the first and least.  It is a safe and nonsensical ending that utterly corrupts the film and leaves the audience, jaws agape, wondering why they just wasted two hours of their lives they will never be able to "reset".  Even in the most outlandish concepts, some semblance of reality or believe-ability must exist, if not, even the indoctrinated and dedicated fan-boy will be left empty handed, and the mainstream totally lost in translation.   There were apparent script issues during production and it is apparent in this hastily crafted conclusion.  2 out of 5 Kernels; one of the greatest disappointments of 2014 that didn't have to be.

Just a Quickie Please: The Legend of Hercules (2014) Review

This is just one of many recent interpretations of the "Superman" of the Greek demi-gods origin stories that have invaded the silver screen within the last year.   The other, more renowned version stars such acting prowess as the likes of the "Rock," Dwayne Johnson.  If this film is any indication of how the trend will go, it will be a long, arduous road for the son of the Zeus.   With the only element of Greek tragedy being the ridiculously sub-par acting, dated and clunky special effects that hover just a step above a SyFy channel production, and a story that is mediocre at best, this incarnation leaves everything to be desired demonstrating that some movies just don't need to be made.   Director, Renny Harlin is known for his hit and misses and this is definitely the latter.  0 out of 5 Kernels: a flick worthy of the throne room of Olympus, that is, if by throne you mean the porcelain kind.    

The Vampire's Ball: Act 6

The Vampire's Ball:
Act 6

As she cautiously opens the tattered and moldy book a hand roughly grabs her shoulder and viciously pulls her back.   She screams and drops the book to the floor as papers scatter everywhere.   The book sails across the carpet down to the hardwood floors smashing against the bookcases.   She is spun around frozen in terror only to face the angry stare of her sister.   “What are you doing,” she scolds her breath is as cold and harsh as the air in the vast room!  Katalina is speechless as her sister’s grip tightens.   “Let go of me,” she finally musters the courage to speak and swipes her sister’s hand of her shoulder.    The two face off, fear replaced by rage, curiosity by guile.

“We aren’t supposed to be in here,” Felicity scowls, “you know this!”   “I don’t care,” Katalina retorts, “there is something strange going on around here and I want to know what it is!”  Their argument resonates like thunder within the large office, neither care.  “It’s all in your head you silly girl,” Felicity continues, “Now get out!”  “I will do no such thing,” Katalina refuses, “what are you hiding?”  “What, what,” Felicity steps back, “what in the world would I be hiding?”  “Whatever was in that book for starters,” Katalina answers as she points to the path of stained and aged parchment now littering the floor.

“That is father’s book,” Felicity scolds!  "If he had wanted us to see it, he would not have had it locked up in his desk, in a place where we are forbidden to go!”  Katalina huffs and then quickly stoops down maniacally collecting the papers, “well I have to know!”  Felicity drops down top stop here, but Katalina pushes her to the floor; it is painfully obvious by her expression that she was a lot stronger than Felicity had expected her to be.   Katalina continues to swiftly collect the remnants of the book.   “Stop, Kat,” Felicity demands, “just stop!”  She is ignored, and even the small intonations that she hears only fuels Katalina’s pure determination.  

Within literal seconds, she has gathered every scrap and shuffles them back into the remains of the book.   She stands and faces her sister again.  “You won’t like what you see, trust me,” Felicity warns.  “So, you have seen it, you have been in this forbidden place,” Katalina growls in disgust, “you lie too well, dear sister, you always have!”    She slams the book on the desk and blows the hair out of her face.   “You won’t understand,” Felicity continues!   “Just shut up,” Katalina screams and  opens the book speedily but thoroughly scanning its contents.    Her breath begins to increase in labor with each passing moment.    Each article and picture even as disheveled and unorganized as they begin to tell a story, one that spans time and reason.

The pictures and etchings of an ageless man, revealing a soul unencumbered by the heavy hand of years and decades, pure and nubile as nature moves forward altering all but his form.   With each word read whether, by newsprint or the hiccups of ancient inks, she realizes who her savior truly is.   Her mouth drops as does the book from her trembling hands.  It slides back to the floor; its contents ooze out yet again.  Eyes vacant as her mind, she is lost, unable to process the truth, like trying to digest cork or sawdust.  She glances over to her sister; a smug smile washes across Felicity’s face.    “Well, now you know, child,” Felicity snickers, “you never did listen to me, that’s why you have to learn so many lessons the hard way!”

Katalina is still unable to garner the wherewithal to respond to her sister’s surprising and disconcerting arrogance.   “And what do you think that precious juice was,” Felicity continues to purr, “that lifesaving nectar you are now unable to resist, to live without!”  It is all coming together; Katalina is overwhelmed with a horrifying mixture of fear and nausea.   “You had to know,” Felicity giggles, “or are you just that stupid!”  Her mind racing; the equation now as clear as two plus two, but her spirit still refuses to accept it.  “We are no longer those weak little things haunting the streets of this cursed and simplistic city,” Felicity continues!  "We are so much more, more than we could ever have been without him!”

“Are we dead,” Katalina is finally able to mumble.   “No fool,” Felicity snaps, “we have been reborn!”     “But they are supposed to be dead,” Katalina continues to murmur quietly, “That’s what the stories say.”  “Fables told by superstitious fools, “Felicity scoffs, “bedtime stories to scare children into obedience.”   “This is the truth,” she continues her scornful lecture, “and this truth has truly set us free!”   Katalina vomits violently, her chest feels like it is going to explode.   “Grow up, Kat,” Felicity backs up, the putrid smell filling the air and assaulting the senses!  "The quicker you wrap your feeble mind around this, the sooner we can move on.”  Katalina vomits again, it burns her throat like acid, “Move on to what,” she sputters?

 “To what our destiny has always been,” Felicity announces, “the fate that shame and poverty kept us from it.”    Katalina continues to dry heave, bent over, her small frame riddle by the pains of cramping.   She falls to her knees clutching her stomach; her arms wrap tightly around his abdomen.   “Don’t you see, dear sister,” Felicity bloviates, “he gave us an amazing gift, and we have to use that gift, it would be a sin not too.”  Katalina looks up, eyes drenched in tears, “you call this a gift!”  “Yes, Kat,” Felicity answers without a pause, “the greatest gift!”  Katalina spits a few more times to free her burning throat from any remaining vile sludge.   “And we are no longer alone,” Felicity continues, “in this gift, in anything!”  

Katalina tries to stand; her legs are weak, body shivering nearly uncontrollably.    “We will never be alone again, “Felicity cackles as she raises her arms high towards the ceiling.   Her incessant eerie laugh haunts every inch of the room.  Katalina finds her feet and stands defiantly; she forces the shaking to stop out of sheer will.   Before she can speak a word, the room comes alive in light as dozens of candles appear illuminating the faces of all of the missing orphans.   Katalina is frozen again.

“You see sister,” Felicity stands upon the desk, “we have a new family now!”  “One that will never leave or betray us for all eternity!”  Their eyes glow red brighter than a candle flame.  They smile all at once, in some great visceral chorus, their fanged teeth tickling their pale lips.  “And this is just the beginning,” Felicity announces, “our family has will only grow larger!”

Katalina searches the room as the ominous figures stare blankly back at her.  They are all vampires.    She is a vampire.  But how?  Why?  And where is father?

Felicity jumps down from her perch and gently places her sister’s pale chin into her cold hand.  “He didn’t share our vision,” Felicity whispers, “he would have only gotten in the way.”  Katalina shutters.  “It had to be this way,” Felicity callously consoles, “you need to trust me, trust me just like you did on those wretched streets not so long ago.”  Tears stream down Katalina’s tired eyes.  “His death has guaranteed our immortality,” Felicity wipes the tears away with her finger as she carefully strokes Katalina’s cheek like she is a lowly pet.

“And now his death,” Felicity hums, “will ensure that they pay, every last one of them.”    “Those who couldn’t find the care to feed us will become our greatest feast!”  Katalina’s eyes widen; the revelation comes swift and harsh, piercing her thoughts and soul like a steel blade.

She looks into the eyes of her sister, but what stares back is a dangerous stranger who radiates of hate and death.

Just a Quickie Please: The New DC TV Lineup:

The Arrow Season #3 premier met all of the hype!  It was well rounded and acted and the story telling was fluid, engaging, and convincing  Nice way to have the fans snuggle in with all the comfy, gooey happiness and then blindside them with the twists and edge that the show has become known for.   As a fan of the comic, I couldn't help but see some of the quick jabs coming but they were delivered in a unique and fresh way.  Absolutely love this show.

The Flash Season #1 premier was just as good, felt much more like a Marvel production than DC.  That was a huge risk, but they made it work and it paid off in major dividends.  I really like the casting and although they had to move through a lot of origin and back-story, like, well, you know,  I thought the story telling and acting was solid and genuine.  This will feel much more like a comic book so the humor, colors, scope, sweep, and action should be quite epic.

With three wins for the DC universe on the board, so there may be hope yet.  I am including Gotham in my count.  That is until Batman vs. Superman delivers one big steaming pile of fail.

The Vampire's Ball: Act 5

The Vampire's Ball:
Act 5

She quietly opens the window and slithers in from the outside.  To enter through the hallway would have been impossible, unseen.   It was a colder than usual night, but the frigid air would not distract her from her cause. 

The room was pitch black, total darkness, and yet she found herself slowly but steadily able to pierce the void as the room comes into a yellowed focus.   She steps down off the small ledge into the office as scanning the crisp outline of every item in the immense space.   The window silently and gently closes behind her.  

Her bare feet recoil on the chilled wood floor, but it only lasts a moment.  Her nightgown provides little warmth, however, she finds herself less and less affected by temperature, hot or cold, it all seems growingly indifferent.  All changes that were so subtle they were easily ignored at first, but with each day, she becomes increasingly aware of them.  Strange, indiscernible changes, like her addiction to that sweet and tantalizing juice.  She could never put a particular taste too.  Void of a description that could truly define it even with her newly acquired vocabulary.

Somehow she is stronger, faster, sensed everything around her.  Very little escaped her attention now, whether it is smell, taste or touch.   Everything was amplified, renewed.  She was rediscovering the excitement and energy of even the most mundane objects or situations.    

As she traverses the floor she is immediately intimated by the massive looming bookcases that surround her, acting more like towering inanimate guards than archives of literature, prose, and legacy.  So many books, all so old, you could almost feel their history surge from their worn leather bindings.    Their ancient tales whisper, even beckon to her in the dark.   

She reaches the gigantic, oak desk in the middle of the room, its chair like a throne with crushed red velvet nearly glowing against the backdrop of the night.  How can she possibly see that in the dark? The desk’s top is clear without a single item loitering on its vast antique surface.  There are three sets of drawers lining each side, each with a brass keyhole.  She swiftly tries each one, locked, as expected.  

She cautiously pushes out the chair; it makes very little sound.  Curious!  But how?  By mere appearance, it must weigh twice as much as she does.  Yet it effortlessly glided across the floor as if it was on taught satin.  She is only a foot taller than the desk as she pulls on the drawers again, using all of her strength.  Their tarnished handles cooperate little. 

She crouches down and peers under the behemoth using her nimble fingers to search its area for a key somehow, somewhere attached to its bottom.  Nothing!  She then frantically molests the two interior sides with the same result.    In frustration, she slams the right side hard temporarily forgetting the deadliness of travelling sound.    She cringes praying she hasn’t brought attention to herself as the old mansion echoes like an empty cavern.  

Suddenly a small plank of wood drops from the center of the desk and falls to the nauseatingly ornate oriental carpet below it.  She slides under the wooden monstrosity to view what has been exposed.  The tips of her fingers tickle the newly exposed, perfectly formed hole.  She feels some sort of lever, like a large smooth switch. 

Taking a deep breath, she flips it to the other side.  There is an abrupt, but tiny clanging sound and then the hum of a small ball descending down a hollow tube.  What has she done now?  The object reaches its bottom and rolls forward inside the desk making contact with something metal.  Another quick click and the top drawer pops open. 

Has anyone else heard the sounds?  She pauses to ensure her mission has not been jeopardized.    Slowly rising up she glances into the drawer as her eyes widen.    She stands and reaches in to pull out a barely bound scrap book dripping with articles and keepsakes.  Placing it on the desk her heart races, she knows the answers are here. 

Answers she could have never prepared herself for.  Answers that will shatter time and existence.