I
went into this carrying the full weight of my disdain for the utter castration
that Nolan performed on the Batman franchise, hoping I would be proven wrong
about my initial misgivings. Well, not only was I not wrong, but Nolan
and Director, Zack Snyder, managed to one up my anxiety by taking one of the
most iconic hero stories in all of history (the world famous Kryptonian's S
symbol is second only in public recognition to the Christian Cross) and
completely defecate on it, then pour it into a blender, and finally serve it in
a pair of Lindsey Lohan's used underpants. It will be very difficult to
me to convey my full disdain without giving away any spoilers, but I will do my
best. Let's begin with the only positive to this cinematic diarrhea, the
fact that Henry Cavill truly looks the part.
Not since Christopher Reeve, has an actor better personified the
"super-est" of Superheroes in pure appearance. Now mind you I
said, "Looks the part," as far as his performance is concerned, the S
would most definitely stand for sub standard. Now for the negatives, of
which the sheer litany of ridiculousness is almost inconceivable. To
begin, gone are all the humanity and endearing qualities of the Reeve’s
classics, replaced by CGI overkill and overtly plastic performances provided by
the entire cast. The action sequences are so over generated that they are mostly blurred,
especially in 3D, sacrificing detail and clarity to create a pot pie of every
FX that a geek with a keyboard could imagine. Also missing is the humor
and chemistry that made the first two, late 70's early 80's, Superman flicks
such comic book classics. In fact, if you are looking for any of the
traditional elements of the originals, forget about it, they have completely
rewritten the mythology and it will set the bar as one of the most
disappointing reboots seen thus far. They couldn't even throw me a bone
and slip the old iconic theme song at some point during this super flop, really.
Finally, as far as the credibility of this re visioned Superman, if body
count and mass destruction are compared to lives and property saved, he would
be the epitome of epic fails squeezed into a Lycra wet suit with a cape.
And, yes, that is an accurate description of Supe’s new duds. Nolan
seems hell bent on turning all of the DC Universe's heroes into costumed
punching bags who have to wait until their enemies create near Armageddon
before they can, if they ever do, deliver any justice. 0 out of 5
Kernels; this movie was absolute Kryptonite for the audience.
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