One Minute Movie Review: I, Frankenstein

The writers of the Underworld series & the Pirates of The Caribbean sequels bring you their envisioning of Mary Shelley’s classic monster rebooted for a contemporary audience that never asked for it.   In fact, if Shelley knew, for even a mere moment, that this retelling would occur, she probably never would have told her legendary tale to begin with.  This is only Stuart Beatties' second time in the director's chair & that level of novice is painfully apparent.  His half-hearted attempt to recreate the sleek scope & dark, edgy feel of the first two Underworld films fails miserably as this rehash is missing all of the character depth, sophisticated & eerie cinematography, & energized performances of his muse.   Victor Frankenstein's ominously iconic monster trades his green skin, rusty bolts, & clunky boots for an uninspired reincarnation that, put simply, is Aaron Eckhart made up to look like, well,  Aaron Eckhart, with a few added, poorly made up scars.   If you are not wowed already, be prepared, as the rest of the movie's elements are as equally exciting.  The concept of the war between angels disguised as gargoyles & demons masquerading as Men's Warehouse employees was originally conceived in graphic novel form.   One would think that a theme like that would translate well on the silver screen, well, one would be wrong, as the story makes little sense, which doesn't really matter as half way through, you don't care anyway.    Then there is the typical CGI overdose, with the effects of the gargoyles transforming into warrior angels remarkably stunning, while their demonic counterparts merely transform into the same guys they already were, just in crudely created masks that must have been obtained on the Halloween clearance aisle at Party City.   The acting is barely noticeable.  Eckhart's range goes from solemn growl to solemn scowl, & then, surprisingly, solemn glare.  The rest of the cast, fare's worse, if you can believe it, as Beattie recycles many of the minions from Underworld cast to deliver some of the most barely lucid portrayals I have ever seen.  I couldn't tell who was more bored, those on screen, or me, at least they were paid to suffer through this monstrosity of boredom.  Beattie is set to help write the next Pirates movie, so based on this, that ship too will sink.  0 out of 5 Kernels: The only scary element of this cinematic catastrophe is that it actually made it to production.