#JustaQuickiePlease: Leap Review

A tale of two Erics and neither of them are good.  Directors Eric Summer and Eric Warin bring us the story of a young French orphan desperate to fulfill her dream to become a world-class dancer.  Filled with contradictory morals, poor GCI sequencing (the animation can be so hackneyed that many times the vocals outpace the graphics' ability to portray them), flawed humor, and stale, stereotypical performances, this predictable yarn follows all the fable staples as unentertainingly as possible.  As both a musical and comedy, it falls short, even missing the mark when it awkwardly attempts to manufacture suspense.   0 out of 5 Kernels: ninety minutes of sheer boredom.

#JustaQuickiePlease: Valerian Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Review

What if you took all of the wondrous imagery of a Luc Besson film; his inspired costuming, stunning characterizations, avant-garde effects, bordering on sheer artistry, and unorthodox humor and performances, and quickly and efficiently placed them into a more than two-hour snorefest that is nearly intolerable to sit through.   With mind-numbingly boring portrayals by a supposed A-List cast and story that drolls on and on when it could have been told rather expeditiously, with far more effect, this film falls epically short of the hype presented ad nauseam prior to its release.  I can only hope the French comic series this was based on contains a far better story than what was delivered to the silver screen.  Unlike Besson's Fifth Element, which bombed at the box office and then quickly became a cult classic and modern fantasy masterpiece, and deservedly so, this outing is best left forgotten among the Walmart and Best Buy discount bins.  0 out of 5 Kernels; the equivalent of painting a turd gold and pretending that it alters the fact, that it is in fact, anything more than, a pile of sh#$. 

#JustaQuickiePlease: The Hitman's Bodyguard Review

Deadpool and Nick Fury kill a bunch of people while setting a new record for the sheer number of times the word MotherF@$ker is used.  Oh, and Wade is dating Elektra, can't fail to mention that.  Now you have an exact idea of what this movie is.  Fun, funny, action-packed, without offering an iota of an excuse for its gratuitous violence, profanity, and shenanigans (oh, how I love using that word), this has all the style and substance of a wild rollercoaster ride, without attempting to be anything more or less.   Reynolds is unashamedly, well Reynolds; Jackson is Jackson, Oldman becomes every villain he has ever portrayed, and Hayek plays her role, so, over the top, it defies gravity.  With all that said, it works; predictably, shallowly, and shamelessly designed to entertain and thrill and not a thing more.  It is, quite simply, simple; designed to challenge the limits of every stuntman involved and blow up as much crap as possible, with the only standard being, that they capture, precisely, each and every the slow-motion walk away.   Translation, it is a testosterone filled joy ride in a rocket car.   Bonus, look for an absolutely subtle yet obvious nod to Ryan's man-crush, Jackman towards the end.  3 out of 5 Kernels; I truly believe Reynolds is the Merc with the Mouth and just makes these movies to pay the bills in between spandex wearing gigs.

#JustaQuickiePlease: Justice League

Well, it's official, not even the almighty Whedon can save the DC cinematic universe.  Congrats, Snyder and Warner Brothers, you have single-handedly and so thoroughly ruined this genres' two most potent icons, you just gave Clooney a definitive pass and made Batman and Robin nearly watchable...nearly.  This is an absolute mess of a film possessing; an irritating predictably, nullifying any real tension or suspense, ill-timed and forced humor, water downed characters, so much so they nearly drown in their own ineffectuality, chaotic action scenes, that confuse rather than impress, and excessively, almost laughably so, bad CGI.   With more plot holes than spoiled swiss cheese and a complete disrespect for the source material, this film fails from scene one and doesn't stop, with a feral relentlessness, until the two ridiculous end credit scenes roll.   Yes, we finally get a heroic Superman, but by this point, who cares.  In addition,  Batman is reduced to an unwatchable fool, rivaling West's parodical incarnation without intention.  Let's not forget about the gratuitous focal points on Gadot's posterior, the annoying surfer boy persona of Aquaman, and a Flash who is more Urkel than Barry.   I was truly and fully waiting for his catchphrase to be, "Did I do that?"   There is no doubt the final manifestation of this flick was haphazardly pieced together in a failed attempt to somehow please both the fans and studio executives who obviously possess a marked disdain for the genre and product as a whole.  0 out of 5 Kernels; it's so bad, not even crying out Martha will save you.

#JustaQuickiePlease: War for the Planet of the Apes Review

Reeves continues to amaze with the impeccable way he effortlessly and wonderfully bestows his talent and vision to the masses via his cinematic ventures.   This time with his take on the third outing of the Ape's legacy.  Keeping the mythos intact, Matt weaves an intricate and stunning tale embracing his own originality while protecting and embellishing upon the chronology of the tale.   Caesar's story comes to its end, however, we quickly realize the build-up to an inevitable reboot of the franchise's origins looms with four decades worth of anticipation.  This is truly Serki's finest role, taking the renowned character actor beyond his CGI incarnation to something deeply sincere and authentic, connecting with the audience in an almost supernatural way.  Harrelson's villain convincingly epitomizes the evil that this series has worked so diligently to expose, a distinctly human carelessness and entitlement that the original author always believed would eventually lead to its own extinction.  In other words, we are the weapon of our own destruction.  With a well-crafted script, stellar performances, and stunning visuals, that immerse the viewer in both this prophetically tragic dystopian future and allegorical manifestation of the horrors of war and its resulting desperation, this third outing is both hard to watch and impossible to turn away from.  4 out of 5 Kernels; the primates, again, reign supreme on the silver screen.

#JustaQuickiePlease: Thor: Ragnarok Review

Three time's a charm; and never has that expression had more weight and significance than in describing this latest outing for the God of Thunder.   The first in the series was fun and engaging.  The sequel was disappointing at best, with only slight moments of entertainment emanating from the, far too few scenes, that Hemsworth and Hiddleston shared.  The third, however, not only redeems the Nordic franchise but surpasses all expectations, becoming one of Marvel's best cinematic ventures to date.   With a perfect mix of potent levity, thrills, and storytelling, Ragnorak proves once again why Marvel lords over the genre with a sovereign predominance.   The simple truth, they know how to tell a good tale; successfully fleshing out their canon, time and time again.   Chris and Tim are pure magic again, Ruffalo's Banner/Hulk is awe-inspired, and Blanchett's Hela competes with Hiddleston's Loki as one of the best villains the comic book empire has incarnated to date.   However, it is director Waititi's Korg that absolutely steals the show, inserting his dry and sharp humor with a surgeon's precision and timing.  Unlike, the continuing DC disasters, Marvel is able to reboot and combine classic canon with a near perfection, this time seamlessly combining the apocalyptic Asgardian saga with the much anticipated envisioning of Planet Hulk.  Although we, as Fanboys and gals, always want more, the introduction to this beloved behemoth's greatest story arch was well crafted and executed.  Following on the heels of the epic silver screen win with Guardians 2, this triquel doesn't just enhance that victory, it one-ups it, with the ferocity of the unjolly green giant himself.  Look for some truly cool Easter Eggs, tying off of a few annoying loose ends, the first time Goldblum and Neil have been in the same film together since Jurassic Park, and, finally, the cameo of all cameos.  5 out of Kernels; A truly mighty effort that wields powerfully funny and exciting results. 

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