One Minute Movie Review: The Dark Knight Rises

You would think with the success of the multiple Marvel franchises as an example DC would be able to, effectively, compete either by inspiration or obvious mimicry. Apparently not, as is evident in this third and most, undoubtedly awful installment of Nolan's nonsensical and disappointing vision of one of the greatest superhero legends of the modern era. Nolan replaces engaging dialogue, exciting action, and a clear and concise narrative with overt social commentary and a ridiculous script that overwhelms and bores as the same time, a truly extraordinary feat. Batman transforms from the baddest vigilante in a cape ever, to an incessantly whiny, punching bag. The only actor who could deliver a worse performance than George Clooneys' goofy, cod piece obsessed caped crusader, is Christian Bale's lackluster interpretation that replaces any depth and passion with deep growls and stale rhetoric. Who told this man he could act? That person may indeed be one of the scariest super villians of our time, definitively a true joker. The story is a regurgitation of the second film, minus the charisma of Heath Ledger's truly diabolical adaption of the clown prince of crime. This time out it is all out war on capitalism, which makes perfect sense, because Hollywood has never been about the money. Tom Hardy gives us Bane, who appears to be Darth Vader's grandfather, using a drive through speaker as a voice box. He spews each line with the clarity of Ozzy Ozbourne with a mouth full of pebbles. I am glad Batman's actual name is not in the title, because it would be practically false advertisement as he only shows up for about 20% of the film. The rest is focused on a convoluted anti profiteering plot and the dullest catwoman ever, Anne Hathaway. Gone is sexy and sleek hello overwhelming dull poured into black spandex. Gone are the cool batlike gadgets now we are given transformer like left overs and lame tech. Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfeiffer where art thou? 0 out of 5 Kernels: the only thing rising is Nolan and Bale's paychecks.  Adam West and Burt Ward coming out of obscurity stretching lycra to its limits would have been a better alternative.