Sunday, June 16, 2013

One Minute Movie Review: Man of Steel

I went into this carrying the full weight of my disdain for the utter castration that Nolan performed on the Batman franchise, hoping I would be proven wrong about my initial misgivings.   Well, not only was I not wrong, but Nolan and Director, Zack Snyder, managed to one up my anxiety by taking one of the most iconic hero stories in all of history (the world famous Kryptonian's S symbol is second only in public recognition to the Christian Cross) and completely defecate on it, then pour it into a blender, and finally serve it in a pair of Lindsey Lohan's used underpants.   It will be very difficult to me to convey my full disdain without giving away any spoilers, but I will do my best.   Let's begin with the only positive to this cinematic diarrhea, the fact that Henry Cavill truly looks the part.  Not since Christopher Reeve, has an actor better personified the "super-est" of Superheroes in pure appearance.  Now mind you I said, "Looks the part," as far as his performance is concerned, the S would most definitely stand for sub standard.  Now for the negatives, of which the sheer litany of ridiculousness is almost inconceivable.    To begin, gone are all the humanity and endearing qualities of the Reeve’s classics, replaced by CGI overkill and overtly plastic performances provided by the entire cast.  The action sequences are so  over generated that they are mostly blurred, especially in 3D, sacrificing detail and clarity to create a pot pie of every FX that a geek with a keyboard could imagine.  Also missing is the humor and chemistry that made the first two, late 70's early 80's, Superman flicks such comic book classics.   In fact, if you are looking for any of the traditional elements of the originals, forget about it, they have completely rewritten the mythology and it will set the bar as one of the most disappointing reboots seen thus far.   They couldn't even throw me a bone and slip the old iconic theme song at some point during this super flop, really.   Finally, as far as the credibility of this re visioned Superman, if body count and mass destruction are compared to lives and property saved, he would be the epitome of epic fails squeezed into a Lycra wet suit with a cape.   And, yes, that is an accurate description of Supe’s new duds.   Nolan seems hell bent on turning all of the DC Universe's heroes into costumed punching bags who have to wait until their enemies create near Armageddon before they can, if they ever do, deliver any justice.    0 out of 5 Kernels; this movie was absolute Kryptonite for the audience.

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