Thursday, February 7, 2013
One Minute Movie Review: Branded
Three letters to best sum up this film are W, T, and F, all capitalized. What could have been a strange and unique thriller commenting on the current state of our societies’ dependence on mass marketing to shape our ideals, opinions, and even identities ended up being a silly and contrived attempt at mixing confusing ideology with exceptionally awful sci-fi. The saddest part, it took two, not one, but two directors to bring this mess to the silver screen. The only redeeming aspect was the acting, which, for the most part, was one level above satisfactory. Everything else was atrocious. The story, told both by the characters and via narration, strangely sounding like Gene Roddenberry's wife (who appears, by the way, as the outline of a cow made up of stars in the heavens, yes, you actually read that) is convoluted and slow. It moves so methodically that it teeters between boring and overbearing. The plot plays like an indie conspiracy flick at first, then quickly devolves into indescribable goofiness, overwhelming any symbolism and credible theory. When the special effects arrive, and I use that term loosely, more so than Lindsey Lohan's bra strap, they are remarkably disappointing and bizarre. The only comparison I can make is Dr. Seuss on acid. I won't reveal any more, however, the only spoiler to this movie, is seeing it. 0 out of 5 Kernels: If I could have given a negative numeric value, I would.