Thursday, February 13, 2014

One Minute Movie Review: The Lone Ranger (2013)

Alright, before I proceed any further, let me list the two good things about this train wreck of a movie, no pun intended.  The score is magnificent & cinematography is absolutely breathtaking.   With that said, every other element of this picture is utterly worthless.  When did Hollyweird decide that audiences desire to see every hero reduced to a flawed, goofy, clueless, & inept mess who more or less accidentally saves the day & is no one anyone would strive or desire to emulate? Why must we reduce our heroes to the lowest human level rather than wish to rise to theirs?  I grew up on the Lone Ranger, a lawman who was sincere, true, & brave.  It was fantasy, I knew that even as a child, but it gave me an ideal to aspire to.  Can anyone honestly say that, about any of the alleged heroic figures, LA is spewing out today?   These reboots seem to be a deliberate reflection of the directors inability to achieve the standards set forth by their muses rather than a true telling of their tales.   I thought The Dark Knight series & The Man of Steel set the new lows in turning their heroes into whiny emasculated, human punching bags, but this celluloid pile far exceeds even those travesties.   Gore Verbinski, of Pirates of the Caribbean fame, commits career suicide in the most gruesome of ways &, even more disturbingly, invites us to watch all two plus hours of it.   Depp, who is the quintessential character actor, delivers the most boring, idiotic, & downright racist performances of his career.   Was there no American Indian actors to play the part of Tonto?   The rest of the cast is as interesting as watching grass grow & then witnessing a dog defecate on it.  Add into that the most blatant anti-American story-line a liberal could imagine in his or her deepest wet dream & you have one of the greatest epic fails in cinematic history, & that includes such stinkers as Tropic Thunder, Vanilla Sky, & Elysium to name a few.   0 out of 5 Kernels: never have I wanted more to use a silver bullet to end my misery while watching this film feces.

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