One Minute Movie Review: The Thing (2011)

First, how one makes a prequel to a movie but titles it the same as the original defies reason on its own merit. At least Scott named his highly hyped Alien predecessor, Prometheus. If that was the only flaw it would be forgiven, but this flick is a plethora of fails. The story tries so hard to avoid copying the 1982 remake that it ends up doing just that but less appealing and suspenseful. Carpenter's 80's camp reboot is a terrible movie by all standards. It corrupts the original version, The Thing from Another World, a true classic and replaces its charm and authenticity with a goofy, nonsensical story line featuring gore galore. In the 80's version, at least we had Kurt Russell trying to carry the picture. In the 2011 prequel, they replace his presence with a no name cast with zero acting prowess and that is only the beginning of its shortcomings. All factuality of what would be required to survive in the tundras of Antarctic abandoned any plausibility of the plot are void, and there is a complete lack of real tension and thrills are sacrificed for over the top CGI effects that are as impressive as Lindsey Lohan's sobriety card. To put it simply this film is just downright lame, it does not even meet the puke factor of Carpenter's farce. The characters are dull. There is zero chemistry or connection with the audience. One just does not care who will survive instead you are just glad you did by the time the credits roll, escaping death by boredom. They attempt to create a claustrophobic hopeless scenario, they achieve the hopeless part flawlessly. This is director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.'s first film, and I hope his last. 0 out of 5 Kernels; watch something, everything, or anything other than this thing.