Friday, June 27, 2014
One Minute Movie Review: Transformers: Age of Extinction
For the first time, in the whole time I have been a Cinephile; this is the first film I can sum up in one simple word, and that word would be excessive. Well, that's not entirely accurate, I would have to add the verbiage, "horrid disappointment," to truly express my absolute disdain for this fourth installment that literally personifies the concept of metal recycling. This film is so bad; I can't fully define it without providing spoilers. So I am tasked with the arduous task of treading ever so carefully to describe what a steaming pile of celluloid excrement this is. However, a few quick lessons I learned in this cinematic tragedy; high-tech cosmic robot warriors and specially trained military personnel with state of the art weaponry apparently can't hit their marks even when their targets are like two feet in front of them. Advanced scientific minds who successfully decode extraterrestrial technology and then develop a superior race of Decepticons decide the best name for the groundbreaking material that makes up the alien life forms up should be called, ready for this, Transformium, really, Transformium. And finally, Optimus Prime can defeat giant mechanized monsters twice his size with ease, but has an issue with enemies who are about the same height and weight. Gone is all of the quick wit and endearing humor, character charm, originality, and jubilant, childish fascination of the first two films, replaced by three very long hours of sub-par performances, a fragmented and insanely nonsensical story, and overtly gratuitous slow motion sequences of stuff blowing up; buildings, Transformers, cars, the plot, my expectations, 180 minutes of my life, ect. It is an exhausting movie, so much so, that by the time the Dino-bots make their debut you no longer care, and apparently, neither do the actors on screen as there is little if any reaction to their presence. Not even a "Hey look, giant prehistoric robots, there’s something you don't see every day." In fact, the actors' portrayals are so phoned in, you would think the entire production was funded by AT&T, and that would not be a surprise with the sheer glut of product placement throughout this venture. So much so, I am surprised the Auto-bots weren't required to be operated by NASCAR drivers. Of course, it will make like a gazillion dollars because the mindless masses will ignore any hope or even facsimile of substance in return of the orgy of CGI vulgarly paraded across the silver screen. 0 out of 5 Kernels; as much as it pains me to say as a Fan-boy, please, for the love of Pete, let this franchise finally reach its own extinction.