Thursday, September 1, 2016
#JustaQuickiePlease: The Huntsman: Winter's War Review
Lord of the Rings light meets angry Elsa, should have been the title of this prequel; that really isn't a prequel to the 2012 film of virtually the same name, we just subtracted Snow White. Kristen Stewart made the wisest move of her career by avoiding this cinematic disaster, plagued with hackneyed storytelling and special effects that seemingly missed the last minute polishing of post-production. Chris Hemsworth does his best to escape his Thor typecasting by returning as the ax-wielding Huntsman with a serious Sean Connery crush. Also returning, is Charlize Theron, as the Wicked Queen, who takes her gold fetish to a whole other level. Her smooth and sophisticated evilness is the only highlight of this epic fail while Emily Blunt's accidental Frozen parody only validates how silly this film so quickly becomes. Rounding out the main players is Jessica Chastain who is the literal cure for insomnia thanks to her insufferably stale performance. The whole movie feels like an afterthought, shoddily pieced together to create a dull fantasy that no one asked for or wanted. The prequelness only lasts about thirty minutes and then we begin a confusing journey, dragging us, kicking and screaming, to an anti-climatic, overtly predictable ending that hints at (the heart be still) a possible trilogy. The moral of the story is that love conquers all. The reality is that neither love or anything else could have stopped this train wreck from happening. 0 out 5 Kernels: we couldn't even get seven dwarfs, just four, and I have no idea who the hell they were...but the plot and acting sure was Dopey.