Thursday, June 29, 2017

#JustaQuickiePlease: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Review

             Dead Men may keep quiet, but Disney execs will tell a tale as long as it makes them richer; so, to add yet another installment to this slowly stalling franchise is a no-brainer for the wealthiest mouse in the world.  
             The first two were original stories with exquisite filmmaking complimented by an extraordinary cast.  The third, was a solid end to the trilogy, a bit long in the tooth, but exciting and engaging none the less.  That's when the good came to a world's end and the truly stranger tides swept us into muddy waters.  The fourth film was so bad, it felt like visual torture, utterly silly and incomprehensibly inferior in every way to its predecessors.  
             Did the fifth entry fare any better?  Only in comparison to the dribble that number four provided.  The most tragic element in the totality of this series is that the cunning, enigmatic, and iconic Jack Sparrow, Depp so carefully and imaginatively honed, is long gone, replaced by a clown; a ridiculous caricature of its former self, reduced only to ineffective comic relief.  Although this outing brings back many of the thrills and spectacular stunts and cinematography of the first two, the story is simply a regurgitation of the original film.   In addition, gone is the charm of Barbossa's' legendary villain, replaced by a ho-hum, uninspired baddie who relies too heavily on CGI and very little on charisma or personality.   The veteran cast barely "phones in" their performances while the newbies try their best to etch their own signatures on what feels like a failed attempt at a reboot.  Even the return of two beloved characters feels forced and uneventful by credit's end.  
             Hold on to your Tricorn, because a six is seriously hinted at.  Once can only hope that will be the last voyage of the weary Pearl.
              2 out of 5 Kernels; Sometimes it's just best to find safe harbor,  drop anchor, and be grateful for the oceans already charted.

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