One Minute Movie Review: Here Comes The Boom

Take one part Mr. Holland's Opus, one part Dead Poets Society, and sprinkle in a little of Rocky then mix it all together and blend it in the mind of Kevin James and you get Here Comes the Boom.  Frank Coraci,  best known for such comedic Sandler hits as (yes there was a time when Sandler made good movies) The Water Boy and The Wedding Singer bring us this endearing tale of striving to achieve the impossible, both becoming an effective UFC fighter and successfully teaching in High School.   Despite being a bit preachy at times, somewhat simplistic at others, and a bit predictable the overwhelming positive aspect of this film is that it is endearing. This is James best role to date,  a little less goofy, a little more serious, and certainly more fit.  Winkler also delivers a winning performance, unlike other Happy Madison productions.  The acting is believable, the character chemistry is genuine, and the dialogue is fluid. The humor is solid, not sidesplitting but entertaining and although the story can get sappy at times I did find it quite inspiring.  It's a feel-good film designed in every way to be that without excuse and in these cynical times where everyone's a skeptic it's gratifying to have a slight glimmer of hope come out of Hollywood now and then.  This is one you could watch over and over again, which in and of  itself is a compliment.  3 out of 5 kernels;  maybe not a comedic knockout for James but he undoubtedly went the distance.   

One Minute Movie Review: Ice Age: Continental Drift

I am going to go right to the point on this one; to put it succinctly and profoundly, this is a cute movie.  Why, again, it took two directors to bring it to life, perplexes me, but, Steve Martino, director of Horton Hears a Who, and Mike Thurmeier conclude this franchise in a family friendly and mildly entertaining way.  At least I hope it is the conclusion.  With an overflowing talent pool, swimming with the acting and voice talents of such thespian greats as Nicki Minaj and Joy Behar, the casting seems a bit overkill for an extremely simple plot and individually short screen time.  I am sure their salaries didn't reflect that though.  The core cast, Romano, Leguizamo  and Leary do an OK job of keeping the comradely alive, but the “beat the dead horse factor” is definitively there.  The animation is excellent, the humor is not, but it's a kids’ film so anyone under that age of 8 might be amused.  It pales in comparison to the original, and all the depth and humanity have been replaced with sitcom like heart string grabs.  It’s a safe bet for the kiddies, just make sure any adults have their Iphones or Androids handy to get you through the bulk.  If you’re looking for a time killing app.,   I highly recommend Where's my Water.  2 out of 5 Kernels; not horrible, but is that actually a compliment.  

One Minute Movie Review: Branded

Three letters to best sum up this film are W, T, and F, all capitalized.  What could have been a strange and unique thriller commenting on the current state of our societies’ dependence on mass marketing to shape our ideals, opinions, and even identities ended up being a silly and contrived attempt at mixing confusing ideology with exceptionally awful sci-fi.  The saddest part, it took two, not one, but two directors to bring this mess to the silver screen.  The only redeeming aspect was the acting, which, for the most part, was one level above satisfactory.  Everything else was atrocious.  The story, told both by the characters and via narration, strangely sounding like Gene Roddenberry's wife (who appears, by the way, as the outline of a cow made up of stars in the heavens, yes, you actually read that) is convoluted and slow.  It moves so methodically that it teeters between boring and overbearing.   The plot plays like an indie conspiracy flick at first, then quickly devolves into indescribable goofiness, overwhelming any symbolism and credible theory.   When the special effects arrive, and I use that term loosely, more so than Lindsey Lohan's bra strap, they are remarkably disappointing and bizarre.  The only comparison I can make is Dr. Seuss on acid.  I won't reveal any more, however, the only spoiler to this movie, is seeing it.  0 out of 5 Kernels: If I could have given a negative numeric value, I would.  

One Minute Movie Review: Dredd

The best way to sum up this film is this; if you are a fan of the comic this will be purely compelling and enjoyable, however, for me is yet another example of less is more.  It is a picture that is both overtly violent and gory,  undoubtedly the way creator John Wagner would have envisioned his legendary comic book antihero to be portrayed on the silver screen.  Karl Urban's incarnation falls somewhere between tongue-in-cheek and total bad ass, a far improvement above Stallone's cornier version which bombed at the box office.  Olivia Thirlby's co starring performance is unremarkable but tolerable.  Lena Headey's villainess is unique and original in some ways, but her acting is mediocre at best which overshadows her character’s presence on screen.   The story is engaging playing more like a video game than a movie, but the overkill of gunplay and human splatter substantially lessens the entertainment value.  The best assessment would be a high octane, bullet riddled joyride that plays like a hybrid of Predator 2 and Die Hard on meth.  1 out of 5 Kernels:  the better of the two Dredd movies, but that is not saying much.

One Minute Movie Review: Frankenweenie

If weird and creepy were a kingdom, Tim Burton would be the undisputed ruler.  In the beginning, Burton’s work was groundbreaking, reaching new levels of creativity and uniqueness. However, as time has marched on, Burton’s outings have become more and more bizarre and less and less enjoyable, having a fresh flock of cinematic albatrosses to confirm that fact.  With that said, this is the pinnacle example of a film that Burton may have made just to amuse himself, like a private joke gone horribly wrong.  Although the cinematography and animation are positively stunning, the story is choppy and downright goofy.  Combine that with the overwhelming and ominous focus on death and that pretty much eliminates any warm and fuzzies for the kiddies.  Did anyone bother to inform Tim that children’s films need to, hmm, let’s say, be appropriate for the young’ens and not depress the Skechers off of them?  The humor is nonexistent, and Burton’s attempted tribute to the classic movie monsters of old gets lost in translation as the story makes remarkably little sense and is even less entertaining.  This movie feels more like a 1^st year film school student’s animated short than an experienced director’s swansong.  0 out of 5 kernels: the only thing scary about this movie is that it was  allowed to be made in the first place, and the only laughs it received were Burton’s, all the way to the bank.    

One Minute Movie Review: Trouble With The Curve

This is perhaps one of the most painful reviews I have ever had the displeasure of writing as I am a humongous, with a capital U, fan of Clint Eastwood who has moved from entertainment icon to true Hollywood legend.  Eastwood has a litany of films that are genuinely powerful, engaging, and amazingly crafted, this is not one of them.  Instead, first time director, Robert Lorenz brings us a sappy and predictable feel-good story that lacks any passion or authenticity.   Eastwood and Adams performances are tired at first,  forced by mid picture, and cartoonish by the end.   Add in Justin Timberlake, who has no business in any form of theater whether it by stage or silver screen, and you have one deeply disappointing film.  The story takes too long to get to its point and by the time it does you have lost all interest.  If not, you are absolutely unimpressed by its conclusion.  I like happy endings in films, especially in this overtly cynical world, however, I expect films with that ambition to be well written, directed, and  acted and constructed in such a way where that ending makes sense and is not unduly gooey.   Eastwood is a master of his trade so I cannot figure out for the life of me what possessed him to make this movie.  Even in his 80s he is a far better actor than anyone in Hollywood of any age and one of the most gifted directors of our time.  Which again makes this review difficult to document  and this movie hard to digest.   To sum up, using a baseball analogy, if this movie was a pitcher the least of his troubles would have been the curve. 1 out of 5 kernels:  you’ll have to forgive me, but I can't bare to give one of my lifelong heroes a goose egg.

One Minute Movie Review: Premium Rush

To begin with, there was nothing premium about this movie.  As far as, any rush is concerned, I honestly  have to say, it was more a cure for insomnia than anything else.   David Koepp delivers us a commercial for Motorola GPS more than a movie.  Utilizing choppy editing to tell the story, out of sequence,  Koepp attempts to create a “ 24” like production in a 2 hour timeframe.   He fails, and  instead creates  a lazily constructed plot with goofy and stale acting and a severe overuse of bicycle chases that get old faster than anyone can petal.    Joseph Gordon-Levitt is apparently Hollywood's new golden boy  if that is the case, it is Fools’ Gold.  As an alleged action star he's lackluster at best and, overall, as an actor, he proves with each movie he may want to rethink profession.  He has no chemistry with any of his castmates  as his performance is as dry as Arizona asphalt.  I won't even bother mentioning the names of the other players because I'm confident that, in retrospect, they would like their roles in this mess to be quickly forgotten. The dialogue is corny,  the action sequences are repetitive,  the chase sequences are too long, and if I wanted to see the absolute glut of bike tricks I would watch the X games on ESPN.  The story is overly simplistic and predictable,  about as engaging as watching grass grow or paint dry,  you choose.    Apparently Levitt is being scoped out as a potential Batman substitute for the Justice League movie.    If so, I would liken that move to placing a large hunk of Kryptonite in Superman’s toilet.  If you must see a cheesy bike messenger story I recommend the 1986 flick, Quicksilver, starring the amazing Bacon. At least you know what you're getting into.  0 out of 5 Kernels: the only feeling of rush I had was to rush to the credits so it would be over with.