One Minute Movie Review: Taken 2

There are sequels that feel just like that sequels made for the sole purpose of riding the coattails of their predecessor in an attempt to squeeze every last drop of revenue out of the franchise.  Taken 2 exemplifies that concept.  Gone is all the quality, creativity and authenticity of its forerunner reducing this picture to a stale, unengaging, barely entertaining carbon copy of the original.  Neeson looks great, but you can tell even he's bored as he returns as the conflicted former CIA superspy/family guy.  Famke Janssen and Maggie Grace reprise their roles, as well, however, playing their characters so over-the-top that they are almost cartoonish.  The action sequences are choppy and hard to follow, clearly masking the fact that the despite his cool on screen presence Neeson is aging and action may no longer be his forte.  Taken opened the door for Neeson to make a significant comeback as an action hero, and those fight sequences were well choreographed and flattered the star.   The opening story concept is sound, but it doesn't play, whether that is from poor script development or inferior directing, making it slightly intense but ending up simply mechanical and predictable.  That is unfortunate as the original was a generally disturbing and unique movie mixing action and suspense perfectly.   In the end, this was a paycheck for Neeson, and you feel that on the screen.  1 out of 5 kernels; despite all the negatives Neeson is still able to generate that brooding coolness that only he has perfected, this was certainly an unfortunate placement of that.

World's Deadliest Warrior: Marvel Vs. DC Edition...Hulk vs. Superman

How would the Man of Steel fair against the monolithic monster known as the Hulk?  Who would win in the ultimate battle to the death?  Can an alien from Krypton defeat a human super exposed to Gamma radiation?   Can the green powerhouse driven by rage and pain destroy the quintessential purveyor of truth, justice, and the American way?  Let's match them up, power to power, strength to strength and see which legendary comic book hero can achieve victory in one of the greatest what if battles of all time.  

The two columns below list the offensive and defensive strengths of both warriors.  Let's take a look at how they stack up.

The Breakdown:

Superman   

Offense:

                                                                    

1) Unimaginable strength. 

I mean this guy can actually move planets back into alignment.

2) Flight.

Both an offensive and defensive ability can reach speeds capable of reversing time.

3) Heat Vision.

Can burn or melt just about any object.

4) Freeze Breath.

Ice, ice baby, he is able to freeze an object whole, throughout.

Defense:

1) Invulnerability.

The guy is literally indestructible.

2) X-ray Vision.

Trust me he will see you coming, every time.

3) Super Hearing.

And hear you to.

4) Yellow Sun recharge.

One quick trip into space and the batteries get a extra dose of juice.

Vulnerabilities:

1) Kryptonite.

His home world debris gives off a radiation that is lethal to its last and greatest citizen.

2) Lead.

Can't see through it, but it's not exactly an optimal choice material for body armor for any opponent.

3) Red Sun Rays.

The yellow sun recharges, a red sun has some nasty side effects.

4) The Ideal Good Guy.

Normally not a weakness, but in battle, Superman's black and white over grown sense of responsibility and justice could be a potential hazard creating hesitation in combat that could prove fatal.

5) Costume.

The brightly colored duds don't exactly scream covert, and the cape is a substantial liability.

The Breakdown:

Hulk  

Offense:

                                                                    

1) Unimaginable strength. 

He's called the Hulk, enough said.

2) Gigantic Jumps.

Tall buildings, whatever, the green giant can skip over the Grand Canyon like it's an end table.

3) Sonic Boom.

A version of the clap that can wipe out a city block.

4) Energized by rage:

The angrier he gets, the deader you do.

5) Hulk has total control.

No remorse or memory, at times, the Hulk strikes with full force and little or no inhibition.

Defense:

1) Invulnerability.

Bullets, bombs, like paint ball ammo filled with Nerf.

Vulnerabilities:

1) He's a nerd when he's not angry.

Without stress,  this guy is as harmless as Justin Beiber at a nursing home.

2) No Brain no Gain.

Pure brute in his true form, not exactly a master strategist in battle.

     There have been so many incarnations and adaptations that to make this work, we have to pour all their mythological and serial aspects into each champion and then create a warrior scenario that will work on every level.  With that said, we have Superman in all his glory, unstoppable alien gladiator and the unadulterated Green Hulk, with pure muscle and little humanity.  Let the deadliest battle in earth's history begin.

                     While flying over a small industrial complex he believes to be a potential weapons factory run by the notorious Lex Luthor, his arch nemesis, Superman notices one of the building collapsing suddenly in a plume of ash and debris.  As he swoops in closer he is shocked to see an incredible green behemoth standing in the rubble.  Superman circles the monster who snorts wildly as he catches the caped hero out of the corner of his eye.   Filled with rage after being attacked by a band of hired thugs while his alter ego, Dr, Bruce Banner, while foolishly investigating the facility for S.H.E.I.L.D alone.  Hulk can only perceive this brightly colored intruder as a threat.  He growls and then roars mightily to scare off the flying pest.  

                  Superman is nearly blown back by the sheer volume of the beasts vocalization, he stabilizes his flight pattern only to barely avoid a large chunk of wall that hurdles past him.   Before he can react, several mangled bodies streak past him like morbid projectiles.  Superman jets to a higher altitude to avoid the horrific barrage only to realize the roaring giant can match his ascension with each hurdling body.  Superman speeds across the sky in an attempt to flank his new found rival.   He rushes toward the green mass and impacts him only to ricochet of the mammoth and bound hundreds of feet in the opposite direction.  The man of steel lands back first on the hard ground knocking the wind out of him.  "What is this thing made of, " he laments trying to catch his breath?  Before he can gather his thoughts, the Hulk bounds toward him leaping and landing with full force on top of the hero driving his entire body deep into the hard earth.  The remaining crater is massive and Hulk roars in victory.

                   It is short lived as the Hulk is suddenly lifted and hurdled into the sky with extreme force sending him two football fields in length from the crater but unlike his nemesis  the Avenger lands firmly on his feet.  Superman arises from the crater, suit tatter, but his spirit and strength undaunted.  He locks onto his enemy and fires his heat vision at full potency.  His aim is impeccable , and the Hulk is engulfed in temperatures hotter than the sun.  The Hulk screams and then claps his hands together creating a sonic boom that rocks the entire area, sending Superman's fire back at him and propelling him backwards into a large boulder.  His heat vision turned against him in the wall of power he is blinded, and the impact with the boulder busts it into a million sharp projectiles.  Superman is down again, feeling a pain he is not accustomed to.  

                   The Hulk barrels toward his fallen foe again and grabs him by his cape, swinging him violently and slamming him into the ground, again and again.  The air fills with a thick cloud of dust and dirt.  Hulk hurls the Kryptonian into the air as his cape snaps off, jumps up, and punches him in the chest with all his might.  Superman rockets through the air and lands several miles from the battle slamming the ground creating yet another spectacular crater.  He can barely lift himself back up, his strength waning he hears his opponent bounding towards him the vibration of each step shaking the earth around him.   He raises his head and makes eye contact with the green menace, mustering every last bit of energy he breathes in deeply and waits.  With the horror only feet in front of him,  he exhales with all of his essence.  The blast of his freeze breath stops the Hulk in his tracks, freezing him in place in a think mass of ice that surrounds him.   The Hulk has been halted for the moment.  Superman again, ascends, and begins to fly.  He gathers momentum, slowly at first, rotating around the area.  With energy building, he reaches speeds above sound and then in a mighty sonic boom be lines towards the frozen Goliath   He strikes the monster at full stride, shattering the ice cage and sending the Hulk miles away.    The impact sends Superman back, as well, but this time, he is able to regain control quickly.  The Hulk's body hits the ground with maximum velocity, leaving the largest crater of the battle.  

                   Superman knows he can not leave his enemy to recover, so he speeds to the scene.  The Hulk lifts himself from the crater, panting and dazed.  Another direct hit, Superman punches the green hero in the head, then delivers a barrage of blows to his body.  His speed and agility is too much for the Hulk, he can not defend against the attack.  Superman grabs the Hulk and in a blink, lifts his foe high into the sky and then descends at full speed driving the monster into the ground.  The impact can be felt for miles.  Before he can reset the creature miraculously bounces up and grabs Superman by the throat, slamming him into the ground pounding the hero with a series of violent, massive blows.  Superman answers and the two brawl, old school, exchanging blow for blow.  The debris from the loose soil floor kicked up by the battle is so thick the combat is barley visible.  Cloaked in dirt the two strike each other blindly each hoping to gain an edge but neither convalescing.

                  In a last ditch, Superman gives his assailant a giant bear hug, his arms barely reaching around the Hulk’s massive torso and lifts him into the air.  His grip is not strong enough, though, and the Hulk gets free sucker punching his foe one last time before he falls back to the earth.  The bonus for the Man of Steel, with speed on his side, he reached over 1000 feet before the green terror broke loose, so again, the monster falls hard to the ground.  Too weak to continue, Superman retreats to space in an attempt to recharge close to the Sun.  The Hulk is sprawled out, hurting, bleeding, his anger begins to fain to exhaustion.  The toll of the battle has reached its apex and the mighty Hulk begins to digress out of sheer fatigue.  His form returns to the diminished Dr. Banner who can hardly remain conscious.  In space, the rays of the sun recharge Superman and he returns to earth to find his adversary's transformation.   He lands next to him, standing above him, ready to provide the final death blow.   But this is Superman, and to kill is not in his nature.  He lifts his almost lifeless opponent and flies away to the nearest hospital.  The threat has been neutralized, so any further harm is unnecessary.    Later Superman discovers the monster’s history and heroics, satisfied with his decision to spare such a legendary creature and good man.  Banner awakes days later in the local infirmary, confused but alive.  

Winner: SUPERMAN

One Minute Movie Review: Fun Size

There is manifestly nothing fun about this movie, and as for it's size, being poorly written, acted, and directed it is about 86 minutes too long with a running time of the same.  I rented this for the sole purpose of my daughter who is a monumental Victoria Justice fan.  Both she and I were shocked at how thoroughly juvenile and creepy this Nickelodeon farce was.  Any film that starts off with an elementary schooler naked on a toilet should end up in a Hollywood Dumpster rather than loud and proud on the silver screen.  The plot is so mechanical and acting so contrived that it is an immediate bore right out of the gate.  This is a teen angst film in which all the angst is suffered by the audience and not the characters.  The fact that Johnny Knoxville even appears in this film may warrant a random drug test.  Johnny, even Steve O, would not attempt to pull a ridiculous stunt like this sober or not.  This flick is extraordinarily painful to watch, and I still can't figure out why I sat through it until the end credits, but I did and for that I may deserve my fate.  0 out of 5 Kernels:  this film should have earned and negative rating, but even that would have been too high marks.

One Minute Movie Review: Fright Night (2011)

In 1985,  Tom Hollins brought us a unique spin on the mythical bloodsucking tale with a campy, tongue-in-cheek flick featuring over the top performances of such talents as Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowall.  In 2011, Craig Gillespie attempts to update that camp classic with this inferior reboot.  Replacing all the humor and originality of its predecessor, Gillespie creates a more ominous environment lessened by a goofy and cliched retelling.  Unlike the 80s original,  there's nothing new here; the characters are boring, the acting is subpar, and even the gore is passé.  Colin Farrell provides us one of the most uninteresting vampires since Edmund, a little more adult and aggressive yet somehow the same pedestrian screen presence.  Anton Yelchin and Imogen Poots have about as much chemistry as stagnant water and their performances are as inspiring.  McDowall's replacement, David Tennant, concocts a decidedly peculiar character somewhere between Criss Angel and Jack Sparrow that fails miserably.  A far cry from McDowall's endearing, cartoonish,  reluctant hero.  There's no connection with the audience this is just yet another retelling of a done the death tale, no pun intended.  Add in cinematography that is so dark that half the action is barely noticeable, and you get a film that is lifeless and unentertaining.  0 out of 5 Kernels: for a vampire film this movie sucked in all the wrong ways.

One Minute Movie Review: Here Comes The Boom

Take one part Mr. Holland's Opus, one part Dead Poets Society, and sprinkle in a little of Rocky then mix it all together and blend it in the mind of Kevin James and you get Here Comes the Boom.  Frank Coraci,  best known for such comedic Sandler hits as (yes there was a time when Sandler made good movies) The Water Boy and The Wedding Singer bring us this endearing tale of striving to achieve the impossible, both becoming an effective UFC fighter and successfully teaching in High School.   Despite being a bit preachy at times, somewhat simplistic at others, and a bit predictable the overwhelming positive aspect of this film is that it is endearing. This is James best role to date,  a little less goofy, a little more serious, and certainly more fit.  Winkler also delivers a winning performance, unlike other Happy Madison productions.  The acting is believable, the character chemistry is genuine, and the dialogue is fluid. The humor is solid, not sidesplitting but entertaining and although the story can get sappy at times I did find it quite inspiring.  It's a feel-good film designed in every way to be that without excuse and in these cynical times where everyone's a skeptic it's gratifying to have a slight glimmer of hope come out of Hollywood now and then.  This is one you could watch over and over again, which in and of  itself is a compliment.  3 out of 5 kernels;  maybe not a comedic knockout for James but he undoubtedly went the distance.   

One Minute Movie Review: Ice Age: Continental Drift

I am going to go right to the point on this one; to put it succinctly and profoundly, this is a cute movie.  Why, again, it took two directors to bring it to life, perplexes me, but, Steve Martino, director of Horton Hears a Who, and Mike Thurmeier conclude this franchise in a family friendly and mildly entertaining way.  At least I hope it is the conclusion.  With an overflowing talent pool, swimming with the acting and voice talents of such thespian greats as Nicki Minaj and Joy Behar, the casting seems a bit overkill for an extremely simple plot and individually short screen time.  I am sure their salaries didn't reflect that though.  The core cast, Romano, Leguizamo  and Leary do an OK job of keeping the comradely alive, but the “beat the dead horse factor” is definitively there.  The animation is excellent, the humor is not, but it's a kids’ film so anyone under that age of 8 might be amused.  It pales in comparison to the original, and all the depth and humanity have been replaced with sitcom like heart string grabs.  It’s a safe bet for the kiddies, just make sure any adults have their Iphones or Androids handy to get you through the bulk.  If you’re looking for a time killing app.,   I highly recommend Where's my Water.  2 out of 5 Kernels; not horrible, but is that actually a compliment.  

One Minute Movie Review: Branded

Three letters to best sum up this film are W, T, and F, all capitalized.  What could have been a strange and unique thriller commenting on the current state of our societies’ dependence on mass marketing to shape our ideals, opinions, and even identities ended up being a silly and contrived attempt at mixing confusing ideology with exceptionally awful sci-fi.  The saddest part, it took two, not one, but two directors to bring this mess to the silver screen.  The only redeeming aspect was the acting, which, for the most part, was one level above satisfactory.  Everything else was atrocious.  The story, told both by the characters and via narration, strangely sounding like Gene Roddenberry's wife (who appears, by the way, as the outline of a cow made up of stars in the heavens, yes, you actually read that) is convoluted and slow.  It moves so methodically that it teeters between boring and overbearing.   The plot plays like an indie conspiracy flick at first, then quickly devolves into indescribable goofiness, overwhelming any symbolism and credible theory.   When the special effects arrive, and I use that term loosely, more so than Lindsey Lohan's bra strap, they are remarkably disappointing and bizarre.  The only comparison I can make is Dr. Seuss on acid.  I won't reveal any more, however, the only spoiler to this movie, is seeing it.  0 out of 5 Kernels: If I could have given a negative numeric value, I would.