One Minute Movie Review: The Heat

Director Paul Fieg of Bridesmaids, brings us a laugh out loud flick that combines Bullock's infamous straight gal routine with McCarthy's irreverent, obscene, and always well timed comedic presence.    Bullock has done the reluctant and misguided FBI schtick to death (Miss Congeniality), but thanks mostly to McCarthy's quick wit and Feig's fast and furious dialog, her performance is enhanced to become quite endearing and actually funny.    The script is fluid and relentless, filled with biting humor and banter that doesn't take a break.  The story is somewhat goofy and predictable but the chemistry between the two stars most definitely makes up for it.  However, the overuse of the F Bomb, manipulated in every form possible, distracts from an otherwise dynamic script and seems ultra lazy, pandering to the lowest level of guttural humor rather than simply allowing this dynamic duo to improv and aim for creative laughs instead of juvenile, bathroom giggles. The action is all right, a bit basic and unrealistic, but gets the job done.  3 out of 5 Kernels: the two stars bring the heat, but the excessive profanity cools down an otherwise very funny flick.  

One Minute Movie Review: The Croods

Most would agree, of late, Nick Cage and Ryan Reynolds, on their own, nearly guarantee any production they are a part of will face a grim fate, put them together and you have the quintessential kiss of death.    Yet directors Kirk De Micco and Chris Sanders, of Space Chimps non fame, decided to tempt that fate and venture out against all common sense and historical fact to feature this less than dynamic duo in their second big screen CGI adventure.   Prepare for cats to lay down with dogs, airborne swine, and the zombie apocalypse, because they actually created one of the best animated fare of the collective genre.   Beautiful animation and brilliant cinematography only add to this well written and acted family tale that hits every mark in humor and heart.   Emma Stone, Clark Duke, and Cloris Leachman round out a superb cast that interact with such authenticity and energy that you forget they are voicing high tech cartoons.   Cage and Reynolds deliver sincere and entertaining performances, as well, and play off each other with all the zest and zeal of your finest buddy feature.  With all that said, the animation immerses you in a fantastic world of breathtaking color and definition that perfectly accentuates and amplifies the story and scope.  For a kids flick, it is one of the best.   So you can imagine my utter shock and awe.  4 out of 5 Kernels; imaginative, engaging, and thoroughly entertaining, mucho kudos to Micco and Sanders for attempting the impossible and succeeding especially, where everyone else has failed, miserably in most instances, when it comes to this picture’s two leading men.    

One Minute Movie Review: Thor: The Dark World

To begin with  there will be no spoilers, so feel free to relax whilst you read this short review.  Director Alan Taylor, of Game of Thrones fame, tries his hand at directing the god of thunder in this highly anticipated sequel that adds another notch to the Marvel Cinematic's Universe's collective belt.   With most of the original cast returning, this film picks up, where both the original feature and the Avengers left off.   The best way to handle this particular analysis, without divulging too much information, is to set it up on a simple grading scale dissecting the essential elements that make or break a film, and, more accurately a sequel.   Those facets include; effective continuum in the mythology in regards to its predecessor, chemistry between characters, plot, and, finally, scope, or impressiveness of the overall look and feel.   The continuum receives an A as it flows smoothly, nearly seamlessly from the first to the second.   Chemistry is a C, which is upsetting because the primary relationship between Jane and Thor, is unusually cold, methodical, and nearly lifeless.  There is absolutely no depth or exploration of their connection, which is sadly disappointing especially coming from someone like Taylor, and chiefly due to the lackluster performance of Portman, and even Hemsworth when it comes to this element of the movie.  However, as bad as that is, it is Hiddleston and Hemsworth's interaction that saves the film, and gives it the emotional and humorous layers it so desperately needed.  Plot is a C, although I appreciate that they went total comic book with the story, the science of it is so fantastical, nearly ridiculous, at times, it becomes difficult to digest even for the most dedicated fan-boy or purist.    The scope is unequivocally an A+ as this picture is epic in scale and far surpasses the original in action, effects, and detail.    The first gave a great origins story that felt genuine and relatable, this one does not, but is still, overall, a good flick, especially for those who truly appreciate the comic series.  Kudos to Hiddleston who has single handily created the most beloved bad guy in the history of modern cinema. In the end, a far better Marvel outing than the tragic and downright goofy Stark finale.  Side-note, stay through the entire credits at the end, I won’t say anymore.  3 out of 5 Kernels; it is sad in a film where the story calls for the hero to fight to save the love of his life, instead the bromance, trumps the romance.  

One Minute Movie Review: Dead Man Down

Writer of the upcoming, much hyped, Almost Human TV series, J.H. Wyman, teams up with the director of 2009's version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Niels Arden Oplev, to accomplish the near impossible by creating a true action film with an authentically Indie feel.    Leading man Colin Farrell delivers a subtle yet remarkably convincing performance as the revenge driven vigilante who is torn between completing his wrath fueled task and his growing attachment to Noomi Rapace's (Prometheus) honest and disturbingly portrayal of an emotionally and physically scarred lost soul.   The remaining players including; Terrance Howard, Rhodey of Iron Man fame, and Dominic Cooper, Tony Stark's Pop in Captain America: The First Avenger, create believable and engaging characters that bring that script to true life.  However, the most notable achievement is the way Wyman and Oplev take a done to death idea and breathe originality into it without going over the top.  It is one of the few films of its nature that actually kept me in suspense, uncertain of the fortunes of the cast or the direction of its conclusion, including a few, well constructed and placed twists.   The only con was the excessive use of the F-BOMB which was unnecessary for such an effectively  written piece.  3 out of 5 Kernels; action fare that contains solid acting and a strong story I had to check out my window while writing this to see if there were any airborne swine hovering in the atmosphere.   

One Minute Movie Review: Epic

Director, Chris Wedge, who brought us the original Ice Age, and the voice of Scrat, introduces us to his envisioning of the world beneath the leaves in his beautifully crafted GCI tale Epic.  Despite that compliment, the film's name does not define the movie itself, as the only thing that was truly Epic about this animated feature was the hype leading up to it.  It is visually stunning in its cinematography, yes, but the plot is exceedingly basic, quite predictable, and the acting mediocre at best.   Wedge creates a truly unique and engaging world, but lessens it through a juvenile script and acting that matches.  The entire, mostly A Lister cast, including the likes of Farrell, Beyonce, and Seyfried, deliver B grade performances and that is being generous.  It is an outright shame that their portrayals can not match the sweep and scope of his production.  I sincerely appreciate the lack of Eco-preachiness and environmental indignation, that usually permeates and inevitable ruins these concepts, as well as, the child friendly storytelling.  But when you use the word Epic anywhere in your picture, let alone the title, you need to be aware you have set an expectation that you want to be fully prepared to meet in every aspect of your movie.    However, with all that said, my 8 year old daughter, absolutely loved the film, so well earned bonus points for that.  3 out of 5 Kernels; props for a non ideological, kid sensitive, masterfully animated picture, that, unfortunately, fails to impress or entertain anyone over the age of 8.  But then again, for a kids feature, is that a real fail?

The Sad Story of Holley Weane Postscript

The Sad Story of Holley Weane postscript...

A tall man walks into a large, cold room. It's stark, clean, white walls surround and haunt its emptiness like a tomb. The emptiness interrupted only by a lone surgical table in its center, covered by a blood stained, white sheet. The man approaches the table slowly, his stare is stoic, unfeeling. He reaches the table and hovers over it. A second man joins him, wearing medical scrubs, as he adjusts his clear, vinyl gloves. The tall man stands silently, his attention fixed on the veiled body below him.

The second man clears his throat. The tall man is unaffected and his silence continues. He clears his throat again. The tall man signs a deep rumble of annoyance gently echoes in the hollow room. "Yes, Aster" he whispers, "let's have it." "I can't do what you are asking me to do," Aster answers. "Yes, you can," the tall man growls, "you certainly have been paid enough." "This is not about money, Rawling," Aster replies, "this is about the impossible." "Nothing is impossible when money is involved," Rawlings responds, "it just depends how much is applied."

Rawlings slowly circles the table. "You will do this, " he commands, "you know the price if you don't!" He pauses and looks up at Aster. His stare could melt steel. "She's dead," Aster rebuts, "what you are suggesting is ludicrous!" Rawlings shakes his head, "No Aster, what I am suggesting is non negotiable." He grabs the sheet and jerks it back. Blood pours onto the floor, showering his black leather shoes.

"You will do this for me, " he demands! Aster steps back, the color rushes from his face. "It is not possible, " he gasps! "It is, I have given you the tools, resources, technology, now make it happen, " Rawling commands! He walks away from the table and to the end of the room. He stands next to a large steel door. "It's all in here, " he begins, "here is where you will make history." Aster looks down at the body and back at Rawlings. "There is too much damage for what is required," he explains, "my experiment only works when the body is in better condition." Rawlings pulls a key from his vest pocket and smiles, a grim smile.

He holds the key up, it glistens in the florescent lighting flickering down from the ceiling. "I have taken care of that," he replies. He places the key in the lock and turns the knob. The door opens smoothly and he holds it open. Aster walks forward just enough to see inside. "Are those what I think they are, " he gasps! "Yes, they are the resources you will use to make this the greatest achievement of you pathetic little life." Aster approaches and peers in deeper. "You realize if we do this, we will open other doors we will never be able to close again," Aster laments.

"Precisely," Rawlings muses. Aster looks back at him. His face is dark, foreboding, inhuman. Aster looks back at the body. "She will live," Rawlings announces," no matter what it cost me, she will live!"

Aster walks back towards the body. He scans it and pauses. He steps over the pool of blood forming on the white tiled floor. He moves to its side and gently takes its arm in his hand. He lifts it and his eyes widen. Its talon like nails and green scaled skin are like nothing he has ever seen before. How could this creature even have existed? Where is the child that had played in the halls above years before? The child Rawlings wanted to live. The only thing before him was a monster, unrecognizable as his friend's daughter. This wasn't love anymore, it was madness. But he had no choice, Rawlings owned him. He grabs the ends of the table and begins to roll it towards the newly opened door.

"She will live," Rawlings affirms as Aster passes by! Aster enters the cold room, there are several tables being prepped by the lab assistants Rawlings had hired. Probably more extorted minions. The body parts are being carefully cleaned, they must be the remains of the other victims. They have been exposed to the elements, tattered and torn, but they will have to do. He stops in the middle of the room as Rawlings steps in and closes the door behind him. "Gentleman, " he announces, "today is the day we change the rules of life and death!" Aster feels a cold shiver ride his spine. The men applaud mindlessly.

Aster leaves the table and approaches the long counter lining the wall. He looks at the test tubes containing his serum. The serum that he has worked on his entire life. Now he can finally use it without restriction or condemnation. He fills one syringe, then another. "Prep the main body," he begins, "we have a lot of work to do." He turns as Rawling looks on anxiously. The men begin their work as Aster activates the I Pod station on the counter. The room fills with melodious strands of classical music.

"Alright, Holley," he takes a deep breath, "let's begin your greatest and final makeover."

And so the story is reborn.....

To be continued...MonsterBowl 2014!

One Minute Movie Review: Jackass Presents:Bad Grandpa

One would think that Knoxville had exhausted his well known repertoire through his long-running MTV series, its various offshoots, and three major motion pictures.  Add into that, the advent of every Tom, Dick, and Harry incessantly posting prank videos ad nauseam on the internet via a plethora of social media outlets almost guaranteeing that this genre had finally run its course.   If that is the case, one would be most certainly  wrong.  Knoxville may be a genius in disguise by incorporating an actual story line, simple as it may be, to fill in the gaps between his gotcha games.   He also ups the ante, by carefully setting up entire groups of unsuspecting victims, to fall prey to his well orchestrated trademark shock tactics.   To detail the movie any further, would allow for spoilers and that would be an absolute crime, as this is hands down, the best outing of the franchise to date.  With that said, not all the jokes hit their marks, but the ones that do are near epic in effect.  Hats off to young, Jackson Nicoll in his second film, his first being the unfortunate Fun Size through no fault of his own, for a solid, yet understated performance.   Knoxville manages to take any remaining taboos and maniacally and gleefully twist them into balloon animals from his warped, yet entirely entertaining imagination.   I look forward to the release of the Blu-Ray which will surely be chock full of all the wonderfully devious snippets that ended up on the cutting room floor.   In reality,  this is a truly juvenile guilty pleasure that I proudly admit I utterly enjoyed.  4 out of 5 Kernels; Knoxville defined the genre and continues to impress, and after this film, I am almost frightened at the aspect of where he may take it next.