Monday, January 5, 2015

#JustaQuickiePlease: If I Stay Review

I am so glad that seventeen-year-olds have not only figured out the meaning of love but have such philosophical depth that they can inspire such YA masterpieces as this stale, sappy, and predictable fare.  At least by Hollywood standards that is.  And please note the thick, milky sarcasm dripping from every word of my lead sentence.  Chloe Moretz is one the most promising up and coming actresses to grace the silver screen in a good bit.  But she is starting a trend of choosing some of the most inadequate vehicles in an attempt to drive her career.  First, there was that abysmal reboot of Carrie.  And now, she plays yet another doe-eyed, lovelorn, deeply insightful femme cliche.  One that can be produced on any Tinsel Town assembly line continuing to manufacture this modern day tween fairy tale trash ad nauseam.   Her uninspired leading man, Blackley provides all the authenticity of a Kardashian photo shoot.  In fact, the overtly stereotyped characters are either so gooey sweet or absurdly unrealistic, that Mortez's mediocre performance appears nearly Oscar worthy.   The only bright spot comes in the last thirty or more minutes of this farce.  An amazingly poignant scene delivered by the unflappable Stacy Keach as Chloe's emotionally detached grandfather.  But it is too little too late as this moment of clarity is quickly lost in a dense fog of disappointment.   Look for lots of so called "punk" songs that sound a whole lot alike and more John Mayerish than inspired by cutting edge, rebellious teen angst.   Add into that a plethora of those profound one-liners that these films are laden with and known for.  At least they are profound to anyone twelve and under.  And you will suffer through one of the most grueling, eye rubbing, hand-wringing, clock watching, one hundred and twenty minute running, prepubescent fueled chick flicks.  Have you got the fact I really despised this picture yet?  1 out of 5 Kernels; gotta give at least a kernel as props to Keach's attempt at the save.  Sorry Stacy, the only thing that could have rescued this waste would have been to never had made it the first place.        

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