Monday, August 11, 2014

One Minute Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Before I begin my turtle dissection, I have to say, the one kudos that this film can proudly take full credit for, is that it did something that very few, if any, have in the past.   It kept my 6-year-old son quiet and completely focused for two hours, with only the occasional outburst of pure glee and delight as his heroes on the half shell, c'mon, you know I had to do it, did their ninja thing in full, digitally mastered, cheesier than mozzarella, cowabungapoolaza, style.   The CGI was amazing, action sequences thrilling, and chemistry between the reptilian brotherhood simplistic, yet endearing, keeping in the full tradition with their predecessorial, ya' I know it's not a word, incarnations that we boys in the 80's and 90's came to know, love, emulate, and, usually injure our younger siblings or ourselves in the process.  But that is where the praise, for this newest adaptation, unfortunately ends.   First, there is absolutely zero chance of overcoming the now nauseatingly retold origin story and predictable plot devices that follow said rehash.  Second, Megan Fox can't act, we all know this, and yet we still encourage her through the payment of exuberant ticket prices.  Third, Bay has finally run out of original ideas and things to blow up because, in the end, the storyline is a complete, almost down to the letter, rip off of The Amazing Spiderman.  Seriously, I was waiting for the Lizard to join his cold-blooded brethren at any given moment.   And Shredder, can anyone say, hey that's Megatron lite.   He even has an entire action sequence take place in a runaway eighteen wheeler down a snowy mountainside.  I mean just paint the damn, thing red, blue, and silver and call it a day.  The ending is predictable, but that is utterly unavoidable.  With all of that said, the film moves quickly and fluidly, and does what every cinematic venture of this kind, directed at that particular demographic, is designed to do; provide a palatable level of juvenile humor and entertainment so the kiddies feel all warm and fuzzy, or, should I say, shelly inside, I know, I can't believe I went there too.   2 out of 5 Kernels:  My greatest compliment, it could have been a bigger disaster, but delivers exactly as it had the potential to do so.  Still trying to figure out what the whole purpose of having Whoopi in the film for all of her fifteen minutes, but that's just one of the mysterious ways Mike's mind works, I guess.

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