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Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Marvel's A.O.S Grade: A-

WTF people...
1) Enough May...we get it...you are a super cool ninja...now shoot someone in the freakin' head already...
2) Well, we went full Neo with Hive...didn't we...
3) Daisy does her best impression of Courtney Love...
4) Return to the Planet of the Scrotum Head Men...again Marvel...really...really...
5) Cause having a heartfelt moment in the middle of conflict never leads to anything bad...
6) That wasn't the fish he was thinking of Simmons...
...and yes, I went there...
7) Okay...that Mack/Daisy moment didn't make me cry...allergies are a beeotch this year...
8) We really need to get that hanger door fixed...
9) UPS apparently knows the location of S.H.I.E.L.D's ultra secret base...
...and they also ship Teragin Crystals...who knew...
10) Daisy went full on Jessica Jones on us...
11) Hey...its was two hours, I get a few more...
12) So Fitz didn't breathe in the Teragin Mist because he was protected...
...by plot device...dammit...that guy is everywhere...
13) Lincoln and Hive...the bromance that never was...
14) Love the realism of this show....
...drive through nuclear codes...
15) Yo-Yo tried the Neo thing too...yeah...it went as badly as expected...
16) I was half waiting for Doctor Grant to appear and say...don't move...
...it's the Scrotum Head Rex...he can't see you if you don't move...
17) New drinking game...take a shot every time they show an uber obvious swap out of the cross necklace....
18) Lincoln died...you took the easy way out Marvel...
...and we all thank you for it...
19) Cloaked gun...didn't see that one coming...
...let that one sink it...you will eventually get it...
20) So what...Coulson's not the director anymore, Daisy's on the lam, and Ratcliff just built Siri Ultron....
...that isn't a cliffhanger guys...that's a drop from the f$%king stratosphere...

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

#JustaQuickiePlease: The 5th Wave Review

So basically, director J Blakeson took a cinematic blender and added Independence Day, Divergent, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and 2012 to concoct a totally unoriginal, predictable, and boring hodgepodge that adds to the growing number of ridiculous YA fiction that unsuccessfully masquerades as science fiction.  Poor Chloe Mortez, usually an incredibly talented actress, has yet to find a quality vehicle since her time as Hit Girl and Abby in the quintessentially creepy vampire classic Let Me In.   The remaining cast is utterly stale, partly because of their own limited range but mostly due to an inferior script and story.  The effects are disappointing at best, and the action, even more so.   With a cliffhanger ending that has zero appeal to want, in the least, to see a guaranteed host of subpar sequels, from start to finish this film is one epic failure.  0 out of 5 Kernels: apparently in the 6th wave the "Others" intend on boring us to death, based on this outing, they may actually succeed.   

Saturday, May 7, 2016

#JustaQuickiePlease: Captain America: Civil War Spoiler Riddled Review

This is one of the best Marvel movies to date, and by far, the best in the Captain America series.  Some might see it as Avengers 2.5, but the Russo brothers have done another remarkable job of creating a unique action/thriller that calls itself a comic book movie.  With plot twists, you won't see coming and a villain you never expect, this newest installment delivers in every way any fan of this genre or filmmaking in general, could hope for.   Solid character development with shared space that is effortless, never infringing upon any adjoining on-screen presence, a definitive and satisfying balance between plot and action, and well time perfectly placed humor that enhances every scene and brings a noticeable and refreshing humanity, fleshing out our heroes in the way only Marvel can.  In addition, the introduction of new characters to the fold is both fluid and effective.  Both Boseman and Holland give standout performances worthy of the heroes they represent.  This is a respectful retelling that compliments all predecessors of the franchise, paying homage to canon while successfully creating a unique and original spin on this comic classic.  4 out of 5 Kernels; with very few missteps present, this should be the model for all comic book cinematic fare. 

So that was the "Quickie" part...

...now, let's get into the nitty gritty!

Here's the breakdown...and the spoilers, so check out now if you don't want to know.

The good:

1) Best shield action yet...as Spidey says..." that thing defies the laws of physics, doesn't it."

2) Falcon finally gets to kick some serious arse with some updated tech that is "geekgasmicly" cool.

3) Black Panther...need I say more.  This feature was one step away from being an origin story for him.  Boseman is a fantastic actor who brought this beloved character to illustrious life with utter awesomeness.  He truly makes it his own from scene one with “HugeJackmanesque" veracity.  The costume is outstanding; a real tribute to this Fanboy (and girl) favorite.

4) Spiderman...much more screen time than expected and it was more than worth it.  His introduction is well executed, and Holland owns the beloved Wall Crawler with his authenticity and his own trademark Web Slinger one-liners.

5) Bucky and Rogers share a true bromance.  In all seriousness, their affinity is engaging and genuine. 

6) Sebastian Stan takes Bucky to the next level of credibility with a brooding, tormented goodness.

7) Black Widow proves why she needs a solo film.  I don't know what is more striking; her comedic, dramatic, or combat timing.

8) Scarlett Witch also gets more screen time than expected, which is fortunate, as she confidently evolves throughout and gets the chance to truly explore and utilize her abilities.

9) Rudd is, once again, spectacular as Ant-Man, and would serve as the quintessential comedic relief if he wasn't competing with Holland and Mackie for the title.  Oh...and Giant Man...I'll just leave that there…but those sequences are nerdtastic.

10)  Bruhl's Zemo is purposefully subtle, allowing for an unexpected but logical twist at the end and avoiding interference with the real villain of the film.

11) And that brings us to the actual baddie of this flick...Stark himself...shock of all shocks.  Downey began his conflicted persona in the absolutely awful Iron Man 3, suffering from reality shattering, ego devastating, PTSD from his alien encounter that was continued in Age of Ultron with the death vision that presented the brutal decimation of his friends.  That angst is reinforced by the aftermath of his own creation, an entity meant to protect the earth and preserve his team that horrifically shifted gears from savior to genocidal maniac with a quantum intelligence.  Now he is faced with his own displaced existence and an unshakeable refusal to accept accountability for his silent madness and horrendous mistakes.  Those factors are nurtured by an utter misunderstanding of the roles of hero and villains and a total denial of reason.  Resulting in Tony's transformation into a paranoid Gestapo, believing imprisonment is subjective and turning a blind eye to his own infractions while projecting them onto others.  He willingly surrenders to a gnawing anxiety that allows him to believe the same corrupt bureaucratic system that nearly obliterated a city and its populace during the battle of New York and allowed a Nazi regime to undermine its ultimate spy agency, can somehow regulate his team without agendas that change as rapidly as Banner during a tantric orgasm,   Downey plays this part to the hilt and effortlessly culminates his pattern of egregious arrogance and deliberate ignorance with an undeniable conviction.  Even when he appears to be repentive, he swiftly resorts back to this demeaningly phobic identity when the facts of his parent's death are presented with unmistakably ill intent.  The man, who disappointingly comments, "You were my friend too," at one moment with such sincerity, is the same person who is willing to eviscerate the very individual of that alleged friendship.   Despite their previous tension, there was always a subtle respect, but Downey is able to transfer that into an obsessive resentment and eventual, visceral rage that is tragically inspired. 

12) While we are at it, both Evans and his counterpart deliver heart-wrenching performances as their relationship steadily erodes.

13) The ending was well crafted and a nice rebooted exclamation point to the story, and if you know me, you know how much I hate that word and concept; so that is a genuine compliment.

14) Both end credit scenes, though not jaw-dropping, were important and intriguing. 

The disappointing but understandable:

1) Vision is underused, but it is a necessity taking into consideration the sheer scope of his character.  His involvement is just right based on the overall matrix of the plot.

2) Ross is underplayed, but that too is appropriate, as his antagonist could easily overwhelm the story.  However, I hope to see him become more and more involved in future films.

3) Freeman is also underwhelming, but I believe that was intentional as well.  I think he may become the new "Coulson" of Phases 3 and 4, but don't quote me on that.

The bad:

1) One of the more frustrating aspects is the quick and needless death of the iconic Cap villain Crossbones.  I know they used him as a catalyst in the story reboot, but it was a waste of an exciting opponent in the continuing saga.  Despite his limited run time and making him a proverbial sacrificial lamb, he makes an unforgettable impact, both figuratively and literally. 

2) Sharon Carter as a character is a bit one-dimensional, although the romance with Cap is quaint. I really thought she would have a more significant role other than a mere messenger, but sadly she becomes the near equivalent of Captain Phasma. 

3) There wasn't enough grieving time for Rogers at Carter's funeral.  I know we were throwing a lot in the mix, but the few extra minutes would have honored their relationship and her seminal character.  Also, could we please mention Tommy Lee Jones just once?  The man deserves at least a shout out with such a wondrous performance as Rogers’ first, and only, commanding officer.


So, in conclusion, minus a few debatable deficiencies, this is in the top four of my favorite Marvel outings.  A must see for die-hard fans and naive newcomers alike.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

New Review.....honest and thoughtful....

#TheCrux #Sciencefiction you deserve!

3.0 out of 5 stars
Mostly an enjoyable read
By DevilMayCareProductions on May 3, 2016

...Ronald makes great use of descriptive text and you can easily visualize the worlds he is creating...Overall...it was an enjoyable read.

Read the complete review, all reviews, and sample chapters on Amazon.com...

The Crux on Amazon.com

#JustaQuickiePlease: The Other Woman Review

The only way to tolerate this film is with an overdose of estrogen and an empty 9mm casing spent at the temple of your head.  You know you are in for a bad time when your wife, who is this movie's target audience, asks a fourth of the way through, is it over yet.  Unfunny, tedious, poorly written, and atrociously acted; this alleged chick flick is, for the sake of a better word, fowl, and not in the sense of being edgy or profane, but utterly awful in every way.   If you want to waste an hour and forty-nine minutes, by all means, fire up the Blu-ray or digital download.  However, I value my time a tad bit more than that and desperately wish I could get every second spent on this cinematic sin back.  0 out of 5 Kernels; I'm done; just because I don't want to waste another fraction of a moment on this travesty.

#JustaQuickiePlease: Krampus Review

Krampus needs to immediately file a class action suit because he has an indefensible case of defamation.  What starts out as Home Alone meets Tales from the Crypt ends up being nothing more than a low-budget version of The Puppet Master's Christmas Special, and if you have seen any of the Puppet Master films, you understand the significance of the critique.  In fact, the only frightening elements in this celluloid disaster is a definitive toss up between its horrid acting and utterly silly practical effects.  I usually criticize for utilizing too much CGI, but, sheesh, this film could have used a healthy helping of it.  The story and concept aren't bad, in fact, the initial notion is actually quite unique and enticing.  However, the execution is so abysmal that any potential is swiftly engulfed in a blizzard of bad.  There is no credible character development or any that you care about.  The humor is stale and lazy, and the action is so predictable and poorly choreographed, it ends up being, quite by accident, the only laughable facet in this horror flick gone horribly wrong.   With an ending that is just as confusing as why anyone in charge would have believed, after seeing the final edit, that this was a quality picture; one can only conclude that the director, writers, actors, and producers all deserve a truckload of coal in their stockings.  0 out of 5 Kernels; This feature takes its rightful place at the top of Santa's naughty list.