Friday, April 20, 2012

One Minute Movie Review: The Three Musketeers

Well apparently only director Paul W.S. Anderson can combine swashbuckling swordplay, royal intrigue, double agents, with a Jules Verne style fantasy and mix it together into an unimaginably dull, completely predictable, and outlandishly goofy recipe for cinematic disaster. The theatrical version of Wolfgang Puck he is not, more like the Swedish Chef on Xanax. With that in mind, can someone please explain to me who in the world thinks Milla Jovovich is an actual actress, let alone action hero. The woman seems to live and die by the slow motion cam. Am I the only one who painfully sat through the Fifth Element, hello? Her so called talent is like an enema for the senses. Fairing none better are the remaining Musketeers; Matthew Macfadyen, Logan Lerman, Luke Evans, and Ray Stevenson (not the funny one) who are absolutely void of any chemistry and charisma. The remaining cast is just as uninteresting. Even the villain Orlando Bloom's portrays (yes Orlando Bloom) is so cartoonish and silly he is barely watchable. The plot is juvenile and simplistic. The action sequences utilize a low budget version of the phantom cam ad nauseam, lacking both excitement and entertainment. This is the epic fail of film epic fails. If one has any regard for original story penned by Alexandre Dumas, please avoid this dribble like the plague. 0 out of 5 Kernels; one for all, and all for awful!

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