One Minute Movie Review: The Expendables 3

Undoubtedly simplistic, entirely predictable, & teetering on the edge of absolute ridiculousness, this third installment of the franchise, directed by the somewhat unknown Patrick Hughes, brings the series full circle.  Yes, it is low on plot & acting but it sets new heights on testosterone fueled 80's action mixed in with an overdose of effects & explosions that would certainly make Michael Bay orgasm.   This film performs exactly how it was designed, as a high energy, non-stop, one-liner laden, violence galore, Bro-Block-buster that packs more punches than Jay Z's sister in law in an elevator.   Forget about the fact that most of those one liners are grunted, mumbled, & drooled through by the collective oratory skills of Stallone, Statham, & Lungren, so much so that not even a quantum computer version of Google Translate could provide any assistance.   Or that the good guys can't miss at any distance, from any vantage point, with any weapon, & at the same time no matter how much ammo their enemies expend they are unable to hit the proverbial & literal broad side of a barn.    Or that if most of the cast was to consider even making a 4th installment they would require armor plated rascals & adamantium walkers.   Or that this script could have been written in crayon by sugar addled toddler.  If you are a man of any age, none of that matters, as long as we can watch Crews mercilessly empty a mini-gun into a thousand or more baddies, Snipes ram a train into a gulag creating a brilliant eruption of flame & chaos for no good reason, or Rousey wipe out an entire platoon with her bare hands.  For us, this is what cinema was born to do, to erupt onto the silver screen like Vesuvius spraying bullets, body parts, & corny signature retro quips into the gleefully awaiting audience.   Stallone is the da Vinci of brainless, brawn driven, spectacle & we are humbled by his blatant disregard for story, substance, & character development.  That is as long as dirt-bikes are allowed to jump seven stories into a vacant building while its occupant riddles his attackers with shrapnel without regard for physics or, even gravity.   This is a celebration of male gravitas in its most exquisite form, &, Sly, we thank you.  Super excited to see Snipes return in all of his Kung Fu, heavily ripped, snappy comeback magnificence which begs for a serious BBB (Bring Back Blade)! 3 out of 5 Kernels; the sequel was the best, but this is a well-expressed exclamation point to end the trilogy.