One Minute Movie Review: Gangster Squad

Ruben Fleischer, director of such cinematic masterpieces as 30 Minutes or Less, Zombieland, and the critically acclaimed, Rob and Big, (note the biting sarcasm)brings us his over the top, well exaggerated, telling of legendary mobster Bugsy Seigel’s prodigy, Mickey Cohen and the above the law Dragnet force that attempted to take him down before he claimed all of LA for his own.   Think Untouchables for the next generation minus all the character depth, suspense, well written story, and authenticity.  Fleischer tries so hard to create the look and feel of the time period that it comes off less like a serious action flick and more like a grown up reboot of Dick Tracy.    Although the cast provides some good performances, their characters never really evolve enough for the audience to connect with or care about.   Penn tries to play Cohen Ala DeNiro as Capone and fails miserably; his portrayal is unconvincing and almost goofy.   Brolin is stoic, mechanical, and two dimensional, which seem to be the signatures of all of his performances. His attempt to display the struggle between his obsession with capturing Cohen and living a normal life with his pregnant wife plays awkwardly and never feels genuine.   The remaining cast quickly becomes cartoonish and their dialogue is so silly at points it’s laughable. The action is decent enough, unrealistic, but exciting.  I wanted to like this film, I truly did, but as my mother in law used to say, “Don't let your wants hurt you.”  1 out of 5 Kernels; this flick had potential, but never reached it, and that is a true crime.  

One Minute Movie Review: Man of Steel

I went into this carrying the full weight of my disdain for the utter castration that Nolan performed on the Batman franchise, hoping I would be proven wrong about my initial misgivings.   Well, not only was I not wrong, but Nolan and Director, Zack Snyder, managed to one up my anxiety by taking one of the most iconic hero stories in all of history (the world famous Kryptonian's S symbol is second only in public recognition to the Christian Cross) and completely defecate on it, then pour it into a blender, and finally serve it in a pair of Lindsey Lohan's used underpants.   It will be very difficult to me to convey my full disdain without giving away any spoilers, but I will do my best.   Let's begin with the only positive to this cinematic diarrhea, the fact that Henry Cavill truly looks the part.  Not since Christopher Reeve, has an actor better personified the "super-est" of Superheroes in pure appearance.  Now mind you I said, "Looks the part," as far as his performance is concerned, the S would most definitely stand for sub standard.  Now for the negatives, of which the sheer litany of ridiculousness is almost inconceivable.    To begin, gone are all the humanity and endearing qualities of the Reeve’s classics, replaced by CGI overkill and overtly plastic performances provided by the entire cast.  The action sequences are so  over generated that they are mostly blurred, especially in 3D, sacrificing detail and clarity to create a pot pie of every FX that a geek with a keyboard could imagine.  Also missing is the humor and chemistry that made the first two, late 70's early 80's, Superman flicks such comic book classics.   In fact, if you are looking for any of the traditional elements of the originals, forget about it, they have completely rewritten the mythology and it will set the bar as one of the most disappointing reboots seen thus far.   They couldn't even throw me a bone and slip the old iconic theme song at some point during this super flop, really.   Finally, as far as the credibility of this re visioned Superman, if body count and mass destruction are compared to lives and property saved, he would be the epitome of epic fails squeezed into a Lycra wet suit with a cape.   And, yes, that is an accurate description of Supe’s new duds.   Nolan seems hell bent on turning all of the DC Universe's heroes into costumed punching bags who have to wait until their enemies create near Armageddon before they can, if they ever do, deliver any justice.    0 out of 5 Kernels; this movie was absolute Kryptonite for the audience.

One Minute Movie Review: The Last Stand

Completely implausible, poorly written, and badly acted, Arnie's first full length comeback feature is the absolute worst addition to his iconic resume.  Kim Jee-Woon, who dabbles mostly in the Asian macabre, makes his directorial action debut in this overtly violent and bloody, absolutely underwhelming disaster of a film.  The entire casts’ performances are on par with a made for TV Syfy Channel movie, so mechanical and unoriginal they are laughable.  The Big Al fares no better as even his one liners fall short, about as amusing and entertaining as watching C-SPAN on mute.  Add in a plot and stunts that are so unbelievably ridiculous that they would only make sense to co star Johnny Knoxville after one too many head shots by Steve-O on a meth driven episode of Jackass.  Based on this celluloid messterpiece, I think Arnie's next big project should be a deeply introspective look into retirement.   0 out of 5 Kernels; this film was a Raw Deal that couldn't be rescued by a team of Commandos, only proving that Schwarzenegger's talent may be Terminated, and his career Expendable.

One Minute Movie Review: Won't Back Down

Never has a film angered, inspired, and entertained me like this fact based drama featuring authentic performances and a truly compelling story.    Based on the Parent Trigger Law, worth a Google search, if by the end of this film you refuse to see how larger government stifles any real growth whether it is educational or anything else, you are not only drinking from the fountain of denial,  you are skinny dipping in it.   This is an absolute triumph for director Daniel Barnz who has remarkably few films to his credit, with his most notable flick being the disappointing tween fantasy Beastly.  Viola Davis, Aibileen Clark from The Help, delivers another exquisite performance as Nona Alberts, a teacher struggling to reach her students within a failing education system and her own personal family trials.  Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a non slutty Erin Brokovich style character that instantly connects with the audience and the remaining players.  In fact, the entire cast excels making you feel every moment of this film.   As far as the plot, it is engaging and fluid, with a strong message about the evolving irrelevance of unions with their strong arm tactics and agenda driven ideologies which have resulted in their continual self destruction among public opinion.  It is sad to note this exceptionally well crafted picture was eclipsed at the box office.  This is unquestionably a much needed work for our times.   4 out of 5 Kernels; an unfortunate law of the Hollyweird universe; if you make a movie about truth, don't expect it to make any money at the box office.

One Minute Movie Review: Safe Haven

Lasse Halstrom, most notably known for such dramatic and romantic fare as Chocolat, The Cider House Rules, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, and An Unfinished Life brings us his envisioning of the latest in a litany of Nicholas Sparks novels brought to the silver screen.    However, unlike his other films, he leaves out any passion, imagination, or entertainment, which, however, are in large part staples of Spark's romantic literary goo.   So in retrospect, he achieved the goal of capturing the spirit and substance, or lack there of.  Josh Duhamel seriously needs to rethink his choice of agents, as he has been cast in a myriad of dribble after his departure from the blockbuster Transformer franchise.  Not that those films were of Oscar caliber , but in comparison to his recent run, they may be.   His leading lady, Julianne Hough, whose largest credit, is the absolutely horrid, reboot of 1980’s camp classic, Footloose, and has about as much energy and chemistry as an empty test tube.  Seriously is there such  a large drought of real actresses that we are dipping into this pool?  The remaining cast is as one dimensional as a black and white postcard from Utah.  The plot is dull and predictable, with many plot devices stolen from such flicks as Sleeping With The Enemy, but they play out as enthralling as a book on tape version of any Software Manual read by Ben Stiller.    Even the relatively unexpected twist at the end is ruined by one of the most mediocre reactions by an actor that I have seen on film.  1 out of 5 Kernels: the only Safe Haven was turning this disaster off and watching a rerun of Friends.  

One Minute Movie Review: Jack Reacher

I have not read the novels by Lee Child, so I can only base my review off of this one movie adaptation based of his book entitled One Shot.  However, the screenwriter turned director, and good friend of star Tom Cruise, Christopher McQuarrie, should be well known for his previous works including screenplays for; The Wolverine, The Usual Suspects, The Tourist, and Valkyrie.    This is only his second trip to the director's chair, and that is evident throughout the film.  Although the plot line is well written,  intriguing, and unpredictable, it is the mediocre acting and cliche'd action sequences that undermine what would have been a thoroughly engaging film.  The film tries its best to play like a gritty, crime novel but in the end surrenders to the same over used, silver screen fail safes infamously infecting action-hero fare, which unfortunately, dilutes, the overall product.  In addition, Cruise plays Reacher so casually that the character quickly becomes trite and almost boring.  Even when the fight scenes erupt, they are mechanical and lackluster, with little energy or excitement.   The remaining cast fares no better and it feels more like a poorly acted TV drama than a cinematic experience.   Again, the story is original and even sophisticated, but those who were chosen to deliver it, fail quite profoundly.  2 out of 5 Kernels: Story A, Acting D, I think Cruise's star power is finally beginning to dim.

One Minute Movie Review: Superheroes

Michael Barnett brings us a unique documentary about those who actually don costumes perceiving themselves as real life superheroes.   The collective stories of these individuals start out sad, bordering on pathetic, but end with a surprising inspiration for the most part.   Mock their attire and some of their antics, but as their personal histories unfold, you see very distinct patterns of souls who have been grinded down and found a way, through an admittedly strange process, to overcome their pain and discouragement and at the same time, and in some cases, genuinely aid others.  They may not have any mutant abilities or super human powers, but what they possess is a commitment and determination to support and protect their fellow man that can not be denied.   The message is clear, costume or not, if we all pay a little more attention to the world around us and practice a bit more selflessness on a daily basis, we might be able to truly change the circumstances and society that surrounds us.   2 out of 5 Kernels; as a documentary, structurally, it was just OK,  but the stories behind it made an interesting hour and twenty two minutes.