Friday, July 17, 2015

#JustaQuickiePlease: Jupiter Ascending Review

Most films of this nature are love notes to their respective genre, this farce is a Dear John letter.   The Wachowski sibs are famous for bringing us the Matrix, which set a new standard in cinematography and action sequences, with an ingeniously crafted mind-trip and then sharting all over it with two inferior sequels.  But now they skip having to fail with sequels and rush to create a complete face-palm on their first try.  So, let's break it down with as few spoilers as possible, although you might have thanked me if I had shared them to assist you in avoiding this cinematic cesspool.  Let's begin with the only redeeming facet, its is visually stunning.  Okay, now that we covered that let's talk about how this visually stunning movie turns to celluloid crap by five minutes in.  First, the acting is so bad it's comedic when it's supposed to be dramatic.  Likewise, any attempted humor is lost on the worst conveyance and timing I have witnessed since the travesty that is Tropic Thunder.  Then there's Redmayne, a remarkable actor in his own right, who abandons range and just says f@#k it, let's do a full on bi-polar Shatner.  Second, one of the most ridiculous story-lines since Plan 9 from Outer Space minus all of its cult deliciousness.  Humans are created and harvested to be used as supernatural Oil of Olay products and you can cross a wolf with a human and get Channing Tatum because, f@#k you biology.   Beings can exist in space without protection simply by holding their breath because f@#k you physics.  C'mon people, there has to be a hint of actual science in the equation.  You can't do just the fiction part.  Collateral damage can occur on a citywide scale to save one person who in turn is supposed to save those same people because f@#k you rationale.  No one sees the mass destruction of an entire city or a plethora of aliens and their spaceships because they have apparently stolen MIB technology and can use it in an instant on an entire populous because f@#k you believability.   Mila Kunis is cast as the heroine because f@#K you audience.   What else is there to say at this point?  0 out of 5 Kernels; this should have been called Ascending Uranus...sorry couldn't resist.

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